


So Emotional

by Arwen88



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Pon Farr, T'hy'la
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-11-14 02:07:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18043409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arwen88/pseuds/Arwen88
Summary: Spock prime is about to go in Pon Farr and alerts his younger counterpart that the council ruled he is to do it by himself, through meditation if he can manage.He is ready to go through with it without anyone to help him, but suddenly there is Jim at his door.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the CowT, of LDF. Thanks to Acadiana for editing this <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 23/04/19: made some minor corrections and changed a detail that dreamsaremadeofthis pointed out to me <3

Whenever he contacted Jim and he had the chance to see his young face, Spock would feel a deep joy that he knew very few members of his species would have admitted to approve or even understand, let alone admit to having felt the same once in their lives.  
If there was something, though, that Spock had learned with the passing of the years it was that it wasn't really worth it to try and suppress all the emotions running through his veins. It wasn't even really worth it to pretend he was doing so.  
His mother would have said that it wasn't healthy.  
Since he had lost his own Jim, Spock had thought he would have never experienced a joy like the one that had hit him since meeting the young counterpart living in that different universe. He didn't dare hope or even dream about forging a romantic relationship with the young Captain, but the friendship that had formed instead had become one of the dearest things in that new life of his.  
Spock was sincerely happy to know that his own young counterpart had chosen to follow his advice and accept his role into the Enterprise instead of following the rest of their species to a colony as Spock had decided to do himself.  
He was still holding out the hope that one day the young vulcan would manage to bond with the young Jim Kirk, and if not have a loving relationship, then a good friendship like the one that had defined his own life. It would have been only right for the vulcan to be able to spend his life by the side of their t'hy'la.  
Nonetheless, his hoping and pushing for those two to forge a relationship beyond the mere working one didn't exempt him from feeling the desire to be able to spend more time with Jim he himself. He just wanted to be able to see more of him, to talk and hear his laugh, to play chess or just discuss about what Spock remembered of his universe, little details that wouldn't have changed Jim's future.  
He knew it was illogical, that he had had his chance once already, in his universe, but he couldn't help the wave of affection every time the young Captain would contact him. He knew he was unable to hide that affection from showing in his eyes whenever he lay eyes on the human and he was pretty sure that Jim could decipher it, if his smiles getting softer were anything to go by.  
Sometimes it was because Jim wanted someone to talk to about their travels and adventures, somebody that would already know about them and thus be exempted by Starfleet's secrecy; other times Jim would just call him to rant about his vulcan First Officer, lamenting how rigid he was about regulations.  
Spock couldn't help but smile a bit at the young man on those occasions, remembering pretty well how his own Jim would complain for the same reasons when they had just started their five years mission in space.  
Sometimes though, Jim would express aloud a desire for the old Spock to be on board of the Enterprise with them, not even to take the rightful place of his young counterpart, but just to be there and experiment once more life on the Enterprise, or for Jim to have on board someone that would understand him and be a good friend.  
During those times Spock would feel a little bite on his stomach, something he knew perfectly well had nothing to do with hunger and everything with regret.  
Regret for not being younger, regret for not being the one that should have boarded the Enterprise, regret for wishing with all his heart to be able to really join Jim once more on their starship.

There were very few members of their species exempted from doing their best for the repopulation of the vulcans, but apparently the prejudices that had followed Spock in his own universe had followed him into this one as well.  
Spock wasn't too much worried about the council decision to let him know that - being half human - it wasn't really a good idea for him to try and take part in the jointed effort; even if it was only by putting his genius behind some new machine that would have helped them give birth to more children in the next few years.  
It wasn't like Spock had wished to find himself a woman to marry and procreate with to begin with, so he didn't take too badly their words about "not diluting the vulcan blood even more". He wasn't too sure though how his young counterpart would have taken the indifferent tone of the council when they were going to tell him the same, and so had taken upon himself to relay the message to the Enterprise's First Officer.  
It wasn't nice, after all, being told that once more they were the exception, the one left out.  
Spock kind of hoped that given the chance to not bond forcefully with a vulcan woman, the young vulcan would see that as the opportunity to actually bond with whoever he would have preferred. Be it their t'hy'la or the young Uhura. The only thing that really mattered was the opportunity for the young vulcan to be happy and chose for himself, as it had been denied to the old Spock when his own pon farr had come the first time.

The First Officer had stared at him with a blank face when Spock had told him the council's decision, keeping silent for a good ten seconds while he tried to hold back any emotions and not show the old vulcan any feelings that he was having at that moment. Almost as if he had forgotten how useless that would have been since he was talking with himself in some way.  
"Am I to suppose, therefore, that I will not be welcomed back at the colony when my time will come?"  
"You will always be welcome in the house of your father, Spock." The ambassador had corrected him. "Just as you will be in my own. If I can give you some advice though, I would use this opportunity as a way to bond with a partner of your own choice. It would be way better to do so instead of relying on the judgement of someone else, someone that might take into account the family line of your intended but not the feelings into your own heart. Even better if it does not happen merely - and I say this with the deepest knowledge of how much we need young blood - to procreate new vulcans for the colony."  
The young vulcan pressed his lips a bit, a small gesture that would have passed unseen to the most, clearly annoyed by his words.  
"The problem would not present itself for three or four years in my case anyway, so I cannot see why they decided to alert me on the matter now."  
"Oh, the decision is not confined to you." The ambassador replied calmly, the shadow of a smile tugging at his lips as he stared at his own hands for a moment before rising his gaze to the computer where the other was looking at him with surprise written in the little details of his features. "In my case, I am afraid the problem is imminent. From this came the need for them to rule on the matter. Not that I would have been much help to begin with, even being willing to go through it at my age."  
Spock kept silent for a couple seconds, observing him attentively. "Chances to survive?"  
"High, I would say. I have already dealt with my last pon farr - although in my own universe - without the help of a partner, simply dedicating myself to meditation until it passed and I was free of the fever."  
"Is it, then, possible to get over it that way? By meditation?" Spock asked with a sudden show of interest in the prospective.  
The old one shook his head, though, sincerely sorry for the young one and his hopes, the same ones he had experienced when he was his age.  
"I am afraid it would not be possible for you. When my first pon farr arrived I did try my best with meditation, but it was a way closed to me until I was much older. I only achieved that result once I was so old my chances to actually procreate were low enough that I was able to convince my body to cease that illogical fever. The difficulty to still hang onto the sanity of your mind persists, though, as does the desire to copulate; however, by lacking external stimuli it is finally doable." He admitted.  
Spock nodded his head slowly, and for a moment he seemed about to ask something, but a trill in his room distracted him and soon he had to excuse himself to resume his duties of First Officer.

***

Spock sat in his stone garden, meditating with his eyes closed and his mind focused onto regulating his breath, his temperature, and his mood. Those were the most difficult to deal with when the pon farr started.  
He took a deep breath, trying to suppress the increasing temperature in his body by reminding himself that he still wasn't in the throes of the real fever, only suffering the initial symptoms of it. It was close though. Maybe the next day, he told himself.  
He expired slowly, focusing on the inner peace he could feel inside of himself.  
The heat of the desert pressed against his body, almost palpable, and Spock tried shifting his focus onto that.  
As he had told the other Spock, he was fairly sure that by lacking external stimuli he would have been able to convince his body to keep his cool and survive that way through the madness.  
Suddenly, though, his meditation was interrupted by the sound of the ringing bell at his door.  
With a last deep breath, Spock rose from the flat rock he was sitting on and went to answer the door, only then noticing the peculiarity of it.  
Vulcans seemed to always know who was about to enter pon farr and would avoid at all cost visiting their houses in those days, for obvious reasons.  
The oddity was quickly explained as soon as Spock opened the door and his ability to feign indifference was brutally ripped away from him, as he found himself staring at Jim. The young Captain of the Enterprise stood right there in person like a beautiful dream; a bad, distressing dream that gave Spock exactly what he had thought about in the darkest hours of his life, what he wouldn't have even hoped to have in this new life. Especially not for his pon farr.  
Seeing the vulcan's eyes become rounder in surprise Jim was unable to hold back a loud laugh that seemed to fill the air around them, even warding off the heat of the desert behind him.  
The human spread his arms, almost as if he was tempted to hug the vulcan.  
"Ta-daah!" He chuckled, pride shining in his eyes.  
For a crazy, irrational moment, Spock wondered if his young counterpart had, by any chance, told his friend about what was about to happen to the ambassador and Jim had come to him precisely to help him out.  
But he suppressed that idea viciously, knowing it was too absurd to be true.  
"Jim." Spock whispered, almost still trying to make sure the human was really in front of him.  
But the young man just stood there, giving him a big grin, his blue eyes seemingly shining as he looked at the old vulcan.  
"The Enterprise is docked for repairs and I thought to jump on a shuttle and make my way here." He explained, clearly happy and satisfied of seeing him clearly surprised.  
Spock didn't know what to say and instead of looking for words he took a step back to let the man inside.  
His gaze followed the Captain as he waltzed into his house but suddenly his mind went back to the problem with the human's presence in his house on this particular day. It wasn't Jim's fault, really, but when the man made a satisfied sound in the back of his throat at finding a cooler temperature inside, Spock's body reacted immediately, in an embarassing and all too visible way if Jim was to turn and look at his crotch.  
Spock swallowed and brought his hands in front of himself in a natural gesture, slowly following the man trying to not look like a predator following his prey.  
Still, even though he wanted to appear calm and in perfect grasp of his will, he had to close his eyes to gather himself when the sweet scent of the human reached his nose.  
Spock tried desperately to keep the fever under control, to not look at the sweat beading the temple of the human, running down his neck to disappear under the neckline of the golden uniform.  
He was so focused in following the path of that particular sweat drop that he didn't even notice at first when the human stopped talking, noticing something was out of order when the silence prolonged itself and he found Jim staring at him in return, a worried look on his face.  
"Jim..." He murmured, unable to stop himself from taking a step towards him, raising a hand half way, almost trying to stop his thoughts from running around and maybe sense his problems.  
Suddenly, though, it was clear as the light of day - at least to him - that the man was starting to think he had made the wrong decision going there, even though Spock himself had invited him to pay him a visit at the first chance, time after time.  
"Would it have been better to notify you before coming?"  
Spock shook his head, bringing his hands behind his back as Jim had already noticed he and his First Officer would do whenever stressed about something and trying to hide it. He couldn't know, though, that Spock did so only in order to prevent himself from looking for physical contact.  
"Not at all. I am sincerely pleased to see you, my old friend. I hope you will accept to stay with me for the whole time of your visit, if you do not have any other commitments."  
But Jim smiled back at him. "No commitment of any sort except visiting a good friend of mine right here."  
Spock dipped his head, feeling the irrational warmth expand from his side to the rest of his body. For a moment he tried to convince himself Jim's presence wouldn't have been a problem, a catalyst for the pon farr that was surely incoming.  
If everything was to go right, after all, Jim would be gone in a couple days, before the fever was to catch up to him.

Things seemed to go alright for a couple hours at least, until Jim asked him if he could take a shower and slip into a more comfortable change of clothes.  
Jim had disappeared into the guest room and Spock had gone to pick up some towels for him to use, convinced to find him still in his uniform when he knocked at the door before pushing it open.  
A moment after, Spock wondered if he would have done things differently if not for the fever meddling with his head, but he suddenly found himself standing in the open door, looking at the naked young man.  
Jim was standing beside the bed, communicator in hand, seemingly writing something quickly, and lifted his gaze to the vulcan with a little smile, not even worried about his nudity in front of Spock.  
"I was about to head into the shower but remembered something that I had to tell Sulu." He shook the communicator a bit, adding something before leaving it on the bed.  
Spock stood still while Jim walked up to him to take the towels from his trembling hands, his mind frozen at the proximity of that amazing body, at the masculine scent coming out of the young man.  
He shook his head, wanting to convey that it was not a problem, but no words would leave his lips, not while he was so busy trying to keep himself from pressing himself against Jim and rutting against him like an animal in heat.  
Spock went back to the garden as Jim showered, finding his way back to the meditation stone in the hope that would help him keep control of his body. But he couldn't keep his mind off the sensual vision of Jim completely naked in his house, his intoxicating scent getting the best of him. He pressed his hands against the erection between his legs, the fever trying to press him into going back inside and taking the young human, pressing his lips against those red ones and kissing the boy into following him into the fever driven sexual frenzy.  
He took a deep breath, convincing himself that he couldn't do that, that he couldn't ask Jim just as he hadn't wanted to do so with his own Captain.

Spock did everything he could to appear at his best but with the passing of time, cooking together with Jim, having dinner one in front of the other, actually just talking, he could feel the fever slowly getting the best of him. It wasn't even Jim's fault, even though the young man had been wearing a tank top to try and fend off the abnormal heat - for his standards at least - but Spock could hardly stop himself from staring, from leaning closer to him from time to time.  
The best thing was actually having the chance to finally talk to each other for as long as they wanted, no communication from the Enterprise to interrupt them, no emergency calling Jim away from the communicator on his desk.  
Jim kept talking and laughing, relaying him their best adventures in space, making Spock quirk his lips too for how he could embellish some of the adventures he himself had lived by the side of his own Captain.  
But when Spock found himself staring at Jim's lips, leaning slightly towards him, the boy stopped abruptly and Spock leaned back quickly.  
He closed his eyes, trying desperately to rein himself in.  
He pressed his lips at the sound of a chair pushed back and refused to still open his eyes while Jim's steps rounded the table, getting the human closer to him. Suddenly Spock felt the heat of the human against him and he had to look at him, throwing a glance that spoke of desperation.  
Jim looked worriedly at him and slowly crouched down in front of him, putting his hand on Spock's knee.  
"Spock? What's wrong?" He whispered, clearly worried that something was happening to shake the vulcan so much into letting his control slip away.  
He swallowed, feeling as opposed to talking about the fever as he had felt many years before when he had experienced his first one. He had thought he would have gotten over the embarrassment but clearly that was not the case, not with his ability to keep his will under control lost to the approaching fever or the frustrating and horrifying sense of losing control over himself.  
"Spock, can I do something to help you?" Jim murmured, slowly brushing his hand over his thigh.  
Spock sighed softly, closing his eyes once more to not look at the man in front of him, the temptation so close, so real it almost hurt. He tried desperately to keep down his erection but he knew it was a losing battle and a glance at the young Captain told him that he had seen enough to start to understand.  
Jim was staring at his crotch, clearly surprised, and his hand had stopped caressing him.  
Spock pressed his lips and tried to cover himself with his hands, embarrassed, a delicate shade of green flushing his face.  
"Jim, I would have preferred to not have to talk about this matter with you..." He started, breathing faster, licking his lips nervously in a gesture totally alien to him. "It is profoundly embarrassing and a matter we prefer not to talk about, not only with non vulcans but among our own kind as well." He admitted.  
"What is it?" Jim whispered, clearly worried.  
"It is a shameful sickness that my race has had to deal with since the pre-surakian days."  
"What is happening to you, Spock?" Jim pressed, hoping Spock would get over the part where he just talked about how embarrassing it was.  
"I am going through a moment of necessity that- I would have preferred you were to not know about. At least not from me. I sincerely thought the fever would have arrived after you were already gone." He admitted with a little sigh.  
"What do you mean not from you?" Jim asked worriedly.  
"Spock will one day go through the same ordeal." He admitted, knowing it would have been easier for the young vulcan if he was the one telling his Captain instead of Spock risking his life in this universe too because of his pride. "I thought it would have been up to him to inform you, but it is maybe better this way."  
Jim interrupted him, moving from a crouching position to kneeling beside him, his hand moving few centimeters up.  
"Spock, what do you need? What is this sickness you are talking about?" He asked softly, even though he seemed to have at least guessed what could have been the matter, judging from the way his hand kept sliding up his thigh towards his crotch.  
"I cannot ask you to help me." Spock whispered, lifting one hand from his crotch, tempted to cover Jim's. He didn't even know if it was to stop him or to feel his touch better. He stopped himself though, his hand barely centimeters away from the one of the young human. He could feel his heart run in his side at the knowledge that he was so close to his t'hy'la, so close to having him in his moment of need as he has had Jim in the other universe too.  
"It's not asking if I'm the one freely offering, Spock..." Jim murmured, his voice like honey for the old vulcan, and before he knew it he was leaning towards him, his eyes fixed on his lips.  
"Jim..." He whispered, almost praying that the man would not change his mind.  
Jim sighed softly, looking him in the eyes, and slowly stood enough to press his lips against the other's in a gentle kiss.

Spock didn't want to stop kissing Jim any time soon, finally covering his hand and gently brushing the back of the human's fingers with the tips of his own. He could feel his face heat up and sighed when Jim parted his lips to lick at his. Spock didn't give it a second thought and opened his mouth to him, welcoming him in the kiss, barely holding up from pressing against him or pulling the man onto his lap.  
"I have to prepare you-" He started, his eyes closed and his lips so close to the human's that he was speaking over them, in no hurry to get more space between them.  
But Jim interrupted him, pulling back to give him a huge grin. "Oh, I've always wondered if you guys did dig fingering..." He chuckled, for a moment forgetting the heaviness of the situation.  
Spock was left speechless at his words, his erection suddenly throbbing under his clothes while he desperately tried to keep a hold of his control.  
"I have to prepare you for what is to come, Jim." He murmured, his voice a bit choked. "What I have in front of me are long, painful days where I will lose all of my self control, all handling onto my mind and logic. I will be led by my physical need to bond with a partner." He murmured, unable to look Jim in the eyes as he lay down in front of him the reason of his shame. "There would not be space for the courting that you deserve. I am deeply sorry about it, Jim, really, but I fear the fever is already upon me and there would be no time to give you the gentleness you so fully deserve." He sighed, gently caressing the human's face.  
Jim huffed a smile at his words though. "Am I worthy of courting now?"  
"You are, Jim." Spock said seriously, looking in his eyes and talking with all of his heart.  
He was well aware that he had talked more about his feelings in those twenty minutes that in the past three years of their friendship. And yet he wanted the human to know, not even feeling ashamed anymore at blatantly expressing his feelings.  
Jim was surprised at his words but the smile that had temporarily slipped away from him went back to his lips a moment later. He gently covered Spock's hand, turning his head to plant a gentle kiss in the middle of his palm.  
Spock held his breath for a second, his knees almost trembling at that kind of lewd contact.  
"So, days of irrational, totally illogical sex?" Jim asked with a grin.  
"Precisely." Spock nodded his head, not really sure if the human was understanding the problem behind it all. "If you do not feel up to it, or if it is more than you can handle, or more than you thought you would have been ready to give me in the name of our friendship-"  
Jim interrupted him once more though, lifting his free hand to put two fingers over Spock's lips, stopping him from talking. He made sure he had his focus before leaning in for another kiss. Slowly he moved his hands to take hold of Spock's hands, gently squeezing his fingers and leaving the vulcan breathless.  
"I want it, Spock. I want the days of completely, totally illogical, mad sex." Jim grinned at him. "I want to stay by your side during them, but only if you will still want me as your friend after. Just tell me you won't be so ashamed of what is about to happen that you will cut ties with me after." He murmured, and from his eyes Spock could see that he sincerely feared so.  
"I could never, Jim." Spock shook his head, caressing his hands with his thumbs.  
Jim kissed him again and slowly stood up completely, taking a step back and leading Spock into standing up as well without breaking their kiss.  
"Do you have lube?" Jim asked between kisses.  
"Are you not worried about this all going too fast?" Spock wondered, following towards the bedrooms.  
"Well, now that you have hinted about a romantic dinner I kinda want it. But starting up by experimenting with your fingers on me doesn't sound as bad as you might think." Jim chuckled, clearly joking, but Spock nodded seriously, leaning in to kiss him once more.  
"I will cook one for you after all of this is over." He promised, surprising Jim even more when he smiled at him. "And to answer your previous question, yes, we do enjoy using our fingers in certain ways." He murmured pulling the man against his chest.

They ended up in bed soon after, Jim's gaze making Spock blush a deep green and feel a pleasure that he hadn't felt in many, many years at the clear appreciation the human had for him. He knew he was not in the good shape he had been in his younger years, not nearly as athletic as he once was, as the current First Officer on the Enterprise was. And yet to know and see Jim openly ogling at him, excited to be in bed with him, arching his back and pushing his hips against Spock's, it made wonders for his ego and libido both.  
Spock took his time gently caressing the man with the tips of his fingers, enjoying the muscles under his hands. He let his hand slide between Jim's thighs, caressing the pubic hair before taking hold of his penis.  
Jim moaned softly, licking his lips without taking his eyes off the vulcan. Slowly he started pushing his hips towards him, trying to get Spock to jerk him off faster, and Spock was more than happy to comply.  
The human's moans were like music to his ears, the fever slowly starting to get the best of him as he focused more on the man under him than on keeping it under control.  
"You are beautiful." He murmured, brushing his thumb over the glans, spreading the precum already escaping the cock.  
Jim moaned and spread his legs more, inviting him. He reached out with one hand to take Spock's erection and return the favor.  
Spock groaned loudly and had to close his eyes for a moment.  
He had thought about going through the whole pon farr without any external stimuli, without even touching himself as to not exacerbate the symptoms, but now that Jim was there, naked, willing, touching him with desire, Spock could feel his rationality slip away.  
He could feel his mind demand him to ask Jim for permission to bond their souls, his t'hy'la finally there for the pon farr as it should have been by right.

Jim made a surprised sound suddenly and Spock opened his eyes once more, trying to understand what was the matter, and caught Jim staring at his erection. The cause of the surprise was clear and Spock huffed a little smile, wrapping his own fingers around his erection when Jim let it go.  
"Natural lube, Spock? Really? And you never told me?" Jim chuckled, looking amazed and making Spock blush harder.  
The vulcan made sure to gather enough lube before moving his hand under the man, gently parting his asscheeks to be able to touch his opening.  
"How exactly was I supposed to find a good moment to put that bit of information in our little chats, Jim?" He murmured, groaning softly when Jim went back to touching him.  
Spock eased a finger inside the human, making sure to not hurt him, and felt his erection throb at the sinful sound that escaped the human lips.  
"Fuck- Spock... Deeper." Jim moaned, closing his eyes.  
Spock moaned softly at the feeling of those hot muscles squeezing his finger, suddenly one step closer to the throes of the fever.  
"Jim, don't-"  
"Another." Jim almost ordered him, and Spock was left breathless, hurrying up to comply even though he had been about to ask him to stop.  
The man moaned loudly when Spock added a second finger to the first, pushing his hips towards the vulcan to have him move them deeper.  
The vulcan could barely hold off his need to take him, too excited to even be able to talk if he wanted to not act like an animal just yet and make sure Jim was properly prepared.  
"God, your face..." Jim moaned, and Spock noticed only then he had closed his eyes.  
He moved his gaze back to the human and found Jim grinning at him.  
"It almost looks like you're actually masturbating yourself now..." Jim moaned as Spock kept fingering his ass, his face flushed from the pleasure.  
"More similar than what you might think..." Spock admitted in a whisper.  
Jim made a sound in the back of his throat and instead of talking more he reached out to take Spock's free hand in his. He made sure to look Spock in the eyes as he brought his hand to his face, parting his lips to take it into his mouth and start sucking the fingers.  
Spock gasped loudly at that, looking at him with eyes wide open.  
Jim grinned around his fingers, lavishing his fingers and squeezing his muscles at the same time, glad to see Spock lose his mind thanks to him.  
"Jim- Jim, stop..." He almost begged, and only then Jim took his fingers out of his mouth.  
"Too much?" He asked almost apologetically, although he kept slowly stroking Spock's palm with his thumb.  
Spock didn't even know if he was doing so because he had momentarily forgot about his sensitivity or to drive him crazy.  
"I'm struggling, Jim..." He was ashamed to admit, his cock throbbing with desire.  
"Don't." He sighed, pushing his hips towards him clearly hoping for more fingers inside of him. "God, Uhura is a lucky woman." He chuckled.

Spock roared at those words, his features suddenly transfigured by the rage. Suddenly Jim found himself pinned to the bed under the full weight of the vulcan, Spock's hands closed around his wrists, leaving him no way to escape.  
Jim was left breathless at the sheer rage emanating from his old lover, at finally remembering that he was probably still way stronger than he would have ever been.  
He had no chance to talk though, not even to formulate some lame excuse.  
"You are to speak of no other but me..." Spock roared in his face, sounding a totally different person from the one that Jim had ever seen.  
Spock didn't let him the time to speak or do anything, throwing himself on the human for a kiss that was all tongue and teeth, not stopping even at the taste of blood.  
But instead of being scared by that display, Jim found himself growing even more excited than before. He tried putting as much passion in the kiss as he could, wrapping his legs around the vulcan's hips to keep him closer, almost trying to seduce Spock into finally taking him.  
That seemed to be the right move to make because slowly the vulcan calmed down, toning it down to just a passionate kiss while he started rocking his hips together with the young man.  
Soon Spock moved his wrists over the pillow, keeping him still down with just one hand as he used the other one to push himself inside the human.  
Jim moaned in the kiss, squeezing his muscles around the erection finally filling him, and that in turn elicited a moan from the vulcan.  
Spock was so out of himself, now completely thrown in the frenzy of the fever, that he didn't speak another word, focusing on thrusting inside his body, taking what he needed from him. He kept biting and kissing Jim, sucking at the tender skin of his lover to mark his property. His body moved with no input from his mind, only making sure to bond with his t'hy'la.  
Jim moaned and whined under him, loving the whole ordeal, only trying to lift his hips for the vulcan to be able to take him harder and deeper.  
But what he thought would have been just a matter of hours before the vulcan would grow tired, quickly turned into more; it was suddenly clear that Spock wouldn't have stopped so soon since he barely showed signs of possessing any refractory time.  
Jim, though, had learned pretty fast that it was better to keep focusing on him instead of letting his mind wander on if that was something restricted to Spock or to his whole race, or even to just "the Spocks".  
Spock seemed to be able to understand whenever Jim would lose his focus and he gave little warning growls to get his attention back on himself.  
He was completely out of his mind, Jim reckoned, not at all the gentle wise man that Jim had learned to love. If Jim had ever thought about sex with him - and he definitely had - he would have never imagined the man a sexual animal able to thrust violently into him, leaving signs on his skin and showing no mercy for his aching cock.  
But it was better that way, Jim knew it, because as it was he couldn't help but cum time after time and he had the feeling that if Spock was to decide to start jerking him off too he wouldn't have lasted a whole day.  
He had no idea if Spock had been that passionate and over-enthusiastic in the past, when he was probably even stronger. He sighed at the thought, wrapping his arms around the vulcan's shoulders to hold on tightly when Spock finally let go of his wrists. Jim couldn't help but moan in pleasure, his throat already aching for the screams of pleasure that had escaped him during those hours. He couldn't help but feel fully confident that he was extremely lucky in experiencing Spock's pon farr when he was already in his late years since it would have probably been too much to handle if Spock were to be just a fraction stronger than he was.

By the time Spock started slowing down Jim was feeling rather lightheaded, in desperate need of hydration and the tri-ox that Bones had strong armed him into taking down onto the planet.  
Suddenly Spock stopped completely, bending down to sniff at his face, seemingly trying to gauge something off his scent.  
"Spock?" Jim tried, clearing his abused throat after the hours of screaming.  
But Spock didn't seem able to hear and understand. Instead the vulcan started brushing their faces together, gently rubbing their cheeks together, moving only to start rubbing his nose against the sweaty skin of his lover.  
Jim wasn't really sure what that was all about but surely he had no intention to complain about the pause.  
He tried stretching out, trying to get some feeling in his limbs, and surprisingly that seemed to spring Spock back into action. Instead of going back to thrusting in him though, the vulcan abruptly pulled out.  
He ignored Jim’s surprised exclamation, getting up from the bed to leave the room stark naked.  
Jim followed him with his gaze, shocked by the novelty of his actions, but after a moment he shook himself out of his reveries. Spock strolling around completely naked, penis flapping around still hard, was a noteworthy occurrence but Jim reckoned it was his chance to finally drink some water and take the tri-ox.  
He was halfway through with his second glass of water when Spock came back into the room.  
Jim was even more surprised than before at seeing what the vulcan was carrying.  
The Captain couldn't help a little smile from surfacing on his lips at watching the vulcan get once more on the bed trying to balance the plate full of piled up fruits.  
He sighed at understanding that the vulcan had simply gauged that he wasn't feeling alright and had gone to fetch something that might have helped him out.  
"Thanks, Spock." He murmured, hoping the vulcan would understand.  
Spock was still out of it though and instead of giving him any answer left the plate over the soiled bedsheets and without a problem whatsoever lifted Jim like he didn't weigh more than a feather, making the man sit on his lap.  
Jim had barely the time to let go of his glass before finding himself in the new position. It was clear he had no word in merit, but with Spock already bringing a fruit similar to a pear to his face with an expectant look, Jim had to admit that he couldn't really complain.  
Spock slowly caressed his back, trying to convince him that everything was alright probably, and kept moving the pear in front of his mouth, wanting him to regain his strength.  
Jim opened his mouth and let the vulcan feed him, going through most all of it before he finally shook his head, satisfied for the time being.  
That got a proud smile on the vulcan's lips and suddenly the plate was removed from the bed, abandoned on the floor like the old Spock would have never done if he was in possession of his faculties.  
Slowly Jim reached out to the hypospray left on the bedside table, needing the tri-ox pretty badly by then. Surprisingly that too made Spock growl at him.  
Jim sighed, looking straight into the vulcan's eyes as he took a hold of the medical equipment without looking.  
"Shush, Spock. It's okay." He murmured, hoping to convince him.  
Spock couldn't understand what was happening and kept moving his gaze from the shiny hypospray to Jim, tense but not acting either to take it away from him.  
It was just as well because when Jim managed to slowly press it against his own neck the injection suddenly made it easier to breathe and Jim knew that he had just made in time before fainting out.  
Spock was suddenly all over him, worriedly wrapping himself around him, his hands exploring his body in search for wounds or signs that he wasn't yet alright.  
Jim sighed and gently caressed the vulcan's back while he relaxed against the pillow, letting him go back to brushing his nose on his skin.  
"I'm alright, don't worry..." He sighed, badly needing at least a nap.  
But Spock clearly didn't since as soon as he had made sure Jim was back at his healthy self he moved once more between his legs, clearly ready to go back at it once more.  
"Can we-" His words were abruptly interrupted when Spock took a hold of his hips only to flip him on the bed without a single word of warning.

Jim let out a yelp and took a hold of the pillow just in time before Spock pushed himself right inside of him with a loud groan.  
Jim found himself moaning loudly at feeling the vulcan shove himself deep in him, losing any ability to keep his voice under control when Spock started taking him just right, making sure to hit his prostate every time he moved in him.  
Jim let his head fall on the pillow, loving the treatment and the powerful hold the old vulcan had on him, probably enough to have many bruises on his skin where he had his hands.  
The tri-ox helped him though, making the air breathable and the heat less oppressing.  
When at some point Jim managed to reach the point where he wasn't able anymore to keep moving, even if only to press back against Spock's thrusts, he let himself go limp, trusting that Spock would keep going.  
And so Spock did, at least until hours later when the sky had turned a deep velvet blue and the temperature had lowered to a sustainable heat by Jim's standards.  
Spock groaned as he came once more, holding Jim tightly against his chest as he filled him up, still reluctant to pull out.  
Jim groaned softly and dared throw him a glance from above his shoulder at feeling the vulcan go still behind him.  
“Spock?” He called with a croaking voice.  
Spock didn't answer but slowly pulled out of him, dropping onto the pillow beside the human.  
Jim had just enough time to worry he wasn't alright before Spock grabbed his arm and abruptly pulled him into his arms, holding tight to him and wrapping his arms and legs around the human, almost as if he feared he would otherwise escape.  
Jim huffed, looking for a more comfortable position, and gave a little pat to the vulcan's shoulder when he started growling as a warning to not move too much or try to get away.  
“I know, I know. I'm staying right here, don't worry...” He murmured tiredly.  
Spock seemed to calm down, probably sensing what he meant, and went back to brushing his nose against the human's face. Jim chuckled softly at that, finding it endearing, and sighed softly when Spock seemed to decide he needed more water and took the glass from the nightstand to bring it to Jim's lips.  
“Thanks.” He murmured, even though he was by then pretty sure Spock wouldn't understand him.  
He drank eagerly, letting Spock refill the glass and give him another one, shaking his head when he had enough. Then he lay on the mattress and the dirty bedsheets, watching Spock himself drink half a glass of water still mostly wrapped around his human, keeping him down on the bed by pressing his body over him, and then leaving the glass beside the bed and getting back to the human’s side.  
Jim cracked a smile when Spock once more pulled him into a hug, noticing how he was acting a bit more gentle than just few minutes before, and decided to take a nap in his arms despite the warmth radiating from the vulcan's body.  
Despite what Spock had previously told him, Jim was starting to doubt the fever would go away so quickly, judging from the wild behaviour and how much heat the vulcan was able to emanate from his skin. He sighed softly when Spock managed to settle down and fall asleep. Gently, Jim caressed one of the arms wrapped around his torso, hoping the next day would be easier.

Spock woke up the morning after feeling a kind of tired he hadn't felt in many years, yet strangely energized and satisfied.  
In those peaceful first moments he kept his eyes closed, trying to still savour the beautiful dream he had had of Jim asking him to bond them during his pon farr, making endless love to him.  
Suddenly though, everything came back to him and Spock opened his eyes. He almost held his breath at finding the young human asleep in his arms, a soft snore escaping his lips, his blonde hair matted by sweat.  
Spock looked at him almast amazed, shocked that it all had been real and not just a magnificent dream.  
Slowly, he let his gaze roam over the beautiful body lying in his arms, the golden skin and the purple signs left by his hands where he had held him tight during their love making, the traces of his cum over his thighs and asscheeks. Spock felt his mouth go dry at seeing the proof that he had in fact taken Jim more than once, filling him with his seed. He couldn't help the wave of shame that hit him, but at the same time he couldn't help feeling a sense of pride at knowing that Jim had really wanted him to do just that.  
He lost focus for so long that he almost didn't notice Jim softly groaning and waking up, lost in his reveries and in the slow caresses of his fingers over the body of his lover.  
Jim sighed softly, keeping his eyes still closed as he enjoyed the gentle touch of the other. That was more than what he had imagined would be making love to the old vulcan. And yet he huffed a smile at feeling the hardness insistently pressing against his asscheeks.  
Strangely, those long vulcan kisses on his skin felt somehow more intimate than the crazy sex of the night before and Jim found himself blushing at being able to almost feel the affection emanating from the other.  
“How are you?” He asked with a cracked voice, turning enough to look at Spock from above his shoulder.  
Spock moved his gaze to his face and instead of answering right away he leaned in to drop a gentle kiss on his naked shoulder.  
“I feel much better, Jim, thanks. I hope you are not injured.”  
Jim chuckled softly, moving one hand over the vulcan's arm to return the caress. “Just a sore ass, nothing to worry about.”  
Spock nodded slowly, moving his gaze away. “I think the pon farr might be passed. Or at least the worst of it.”  
Jim raised one eyebrow not at all convinced about it, and made a point of pushing his hips back against the raging erection that seemed ready to get back to work right away.  
“What about that?”  
He couldn't help smiling a bit more at the shade of green that Spock was able to reach, still clearly not in complete control of his body.  
“I think I can manage that by myself, as I can for the rest of the fever. Meditation will definitely help to push it down and help me stop this madness.”  
“You sure?”  
“I do not want to cause you any nuisance, not more than I already have.”  
Jim stopped himself half way out of a yawn, turning to stare at the vulcan with a frown. “Spock-” He stopped at noticing the vulcan didn't even want to meet his gaze.  
He turned completely in his arms, reaching out to gently make Spock turn his face and look him in the eyes.  
“Spock...” He murmured, slowly caressing that old face he loved with his thumb. “There is nothing farther from nuisance in this, not when I have the chance to stay with you and take care of you.” He murmured, leaning in to kiss him on the lips. “I want to be here with you, I want to take everything you want to give me.”  
Spock sighed deeply, holding him tightly to himself. “The universe gave me more than I did or will ever deserve when it chose you as my t'hy'la.” He whispered.  
Jim couldn't suppress a smile at that and leaned in for another kiss. “You'll have to explain what that word means at some point... but yeah, if you mean if I still want to do this, or do it all from start to finish, fuck yeah.” He chuckled.  
Spock looked amazed at him. “Are you sure, Jim? Or are you speaking by hyperbole?”  
“Totally for real, amazing sex, possessiveness and fantastic vulcans are all I can ask for during a break from work.” He chuckled, pushing tightly between Spock's legs and against his erection, making the vulcan hold his breath. “And I could now take care of this, you know, even if you say you could meditate it away.”

Spock still looked too disbelieving for his liking and so Jim made a show of gently taking his hand and bringing his fingers to his mouth as he had done the day before. Spock opened his eyes wide, his cock suddenly throbbing at the feeling of that hot mouth around his digits, and groaned loudly when Jim started to suck at them.  
It would have been enough to take him back over the edge of the fever even if Jim hadn't chosen that moment to move, pressing his shoulder until Spock was lying on his back. Spock breathed heavily, excited at Jim straddling his hips. He was fairly sure he would have been thrown into a sexual frenzy by the way Jim was moving his hips against him even if there was no pon farr induced sexual need.  
Jim let his fingers go with an obscene wet sound and slowly moved back, finding his way between Spock's legs.  
Spock moaned softly, knowing perfectly well what was about to come, and lifted his head from the pillow to follow him with his gaze. He licked his lips, excited, and let out a loud groan when Jim finally leaned down to start licking his erection.  
Spock moaned and raked his fingers through the blonde hair of his lover, inciting him to keep going. He let his head drop down back on the pillow when Jim finally took his erection into his mouth, lavishing at it and sucking eagerly.  
“Yes, Jim...” He moaned with a little snap of his hips, pushing himself deeper into that hot mouth. He closed his eyes feeling the fever take over him, and surrendered himself to it knowing that he was in good hands.  
Jim knew exactly the moment Spock stopped being able to rationally think and was back in the throes of the fever because suddenly the grip on his hair became almost vicious. He moaned, growing hard quickly as the vulcan forced him to move on that cock faster, pushing it deeper and deeper until Jim was choking on it and struggling with his muscles to let Spock fuck his throat.  
He moaned, starting to hump the mattress in hopes of some relief for his own aching cock, and relaxed in the hands of his lover. Jim would have probably never admitted so but he was loving every second of it and for a moment he wished the pon farr would last longer, fairly sure Spock wouldn't have gone back to fucking his throat so violently if he was capable to think about what he was doing.  
Spock was holding his head with both hands, his feet well planted on the mattress to be able to move better his hips, raising them from the mattress every time he pushed himself into his lover.  
Jim's jaw was starting to ache but that didn't mean that he wasn't feeling better than he had felt in years. Even though he had the idea that he had probably just created a monster.  
When Spock arched on the bed with a scream of pleasure and started cumming into his throat, Jim did his best to swallow all of it, already close to the edge himself, and actually kept sucking at it even after Spock had left himself drop back down on the mattress, breathing heavily.  
Jim whined softly at seeing that he was satisfied for the moment and slowly lifted his head, searching for the other's gaze as he slowly let go of his erection.  
Spock was looking at him from under his lashes, still holding his head but with a much more shallow grip, letting him move at least if he showed no intention to get away from him. Not that Jim wanted to go anywhere.  
The human smiled and slowly crawled over his lover, bending down to kiss him on the lips as he took one of his hands from his temple.  
Spock seemed surprised by the kiss and at first returned it slowly, tentatively, growing more sure with the passing seconds. Jim moaned softly into the kiss, pushing his hips against the vulcan's to let him know what he needed, and instead of trying to ask with words he brought Spock's hand behind himself. He broke the kiss to look at him in the eyes, endeared by the confused look on the old vulcan's face, at least until he made him touch his opening, still a bit sore from the previous night and still ready.  
“Want you here, babe...” Jim whispered, guiding Spock into pressing the tips of his fingers against his asshole as he kept rocking his hips against the vulcan.  
Spock gasped loudly, surprised, but a moment later a smile started spreading on his lips as he started pressing more confidently, pushing two fingers inside of his lover.  
Jim groaned throathly and pushed back on them. “Yes, like that...” He nodded his head.  
Spock moved more surely with each passing second, looking amazed at him, his erection quickly growing hard between them.  
“Mine.” He murmured with a croaked voice, not that Jim could understand since he had reverted to speaking vulcan. “My t'hy'la.” He moaned, moving his fingers quickly inside of him and groaning when Jim squeezed his muscles around him.  
That word Jim did recognize, even though he still didn't know the meaning behind it, and hurried to nod, knowing at least that Spock must have been talking about him.  
“Yes, fuck me...” He moaned, a huge grin spreading on his lips when Spock pulled his fingers out and lifted him as if Jim was weightless, finally making him take his cock once more.  
Jim threw his head back, excited, and didn't even wait for Spock to start leading him, raising his hips and pushing back once more with a huge groan, riding the vulcan at a fast pace. He was impatient to finally reach his orgasm and have Spock cum once more in him and it showed in the way he threw himself down hard on his cock, set on taking it all every single time.  
Seeing his partner so excited for him seemed to be exactly what Spock had wanted all along and suddenly he sat up on the bed, wrapping his arms around the man to lead him better.  
Jim smiled at the face mere centimeters away from his own and took it between his hands to go back to kissing him hard as he still moved on him.  
Spock moaned in the kiss and kept driving himself hard in him until Jim tensed up reaching his orgasm. Spock slowed down marginally for once, to let him get back his breath, and moved from his lips to gently kiss the rest of his face.  
“Mine...” He whispered over his skin, lovingly kissing him with his lips and fingers.  
Jim sighed and caressed the nape of his neck, not understanding what he said and yet knowing deep inside that it was a loving word of some kind.  
“You're so good, Spock...” He murmured, wrapping his legs around the vulcan when Spock gently pushed him back on the mattress, laying him on his back to go back at moving on his own.

But as much as Jim loved it all, he decided that the next time Spock had looked as clear headed as ever, he was going to eat and go to the bathroom first, before initiating more sex.

He tried to follow the new plan that night when Spock finally laid down satisfied beside him, holding him tight but limiting himself to only gently caressing the human.  
Jim sighed and gave him a little kiss before trying to get up.  
Spock was quickly upon him once more, growling and trying to stop him.  
“I just- I just need the bathroom.” Jim sighed, gesturing towards the door.  
Spock tried pulling him back down but Jim didn't want to give up, alternating soft kisses with words and gestures towards the bathroom door until Spock started at least following his gaze.  
Very slowly Jim started moving to the edge of the bed, gently brushing an arm of the vulcan to calm him down when Spock went back to growling. It took some convincing, but finally Jim managed to get up, even with a vulcan pressing against him and holding his wrist.  
“Shush, I'll be right here.” Jim murmured, caressing the vulcan's naked chest while he walked backward towards the bathroom, still followed by a suspicious vulcan.  
If he had thought he had won the battle he soon found out they had to compromise with each other if he wanted to use the loo and take a much needed shower.  
Spock seemed to go crazy when Jim tried to close the door between them and so Jim got over the need for some privacy and did what he had to do under the gaze of the vulcan. He had at least convinced Spock to give him some space after a good five minute pushing with both hands against his chest, and that sounded a lot like victory.  
Spock followed him with his gaze attentively, making sure his lover wasn't running away or trying to meet up a rival, and frowned when Jim started washing himself. He could feel his scent leaving the skin of his beloved t'hy'la and that made him take a few steps towards the shower, softly whining at looking his human gently touching himself without him being permitted with him under the water.  
Jim huffed a smile, shaking his head. “I'm just washing myself, babe, I'll be out there as soon as possible.” He tried reassuring the vulcan, sighing at the amazing sensation of finally being clean of the sweat and dried sperm he had carried on himself for the better part of two days.  
He couldn't suppress a groan when the bliss lasted less than a minute since as soon as he stepped out of the shower Spock wrapped himself around him once more.  
“God, I should have made you shower too...” He sighed, tiredly letting the vulcan lift him up from the ground to take him back to the bedroom.

***

When they woke up the next morning and Spock looked way more himself than the previous few days, Jim wanted to hear none of his “I can deal with this” and “you should rest,” taking the chance to take his tri-ox and actually walk up to the kitchen to gather food.  
Truth be told, for as much as Spock tried to reassure him that the fever was almost certainly a thing of the past, Jim wouldn't believe him. Sure, the old vulcan went so far as to grab a robe to wrap himself in, back at minding his nakedness, but that didn't stop him from following Jim really closely.  
Jim couldn't suppress a smile at constantly feeling the heat of the other against his back, the vulcan was standing so close to him. Yet he didn't say anything, focusing on making a light breakfast for the two of them.  
Spock refused to eat, another sign he himself had to admit that maybe he wasn't yet back to his healthy self, but Jim devoured what he could before Spock started putting his hands back on him.  
It was at first a shy touch, a hand on the small of his back, but then Spock started letting his hands slide onto Jim's hips and then around his torso as the vulcan pressed himself against the human's back. Jim closed his eyes at the little kisses that Spock left with his lips over his shoulder, sighing when the high sensitive fingers found their way up to his chest, starting to play with his nipples until they were hard and Jim was moaning softly.  
“We better get to bed...” Jim moaned, pushing his hips back against him and blindly trying to open the robe Spock was wearing to finally have the hard cock of the vulcan back against the naked skin of his asscheeks.  
Spock groaned softly and let one hand travel down to Jim's belly and beyond it, wrapping his fingers around his erection to slowly jerk the human off.  
“You want this?” He murmured in his ear and Jim nodded quickly, his eyes closed.  
“Yes, Spock...” He moaned, forgetting his own plan to get back to bed.  
He wanted the vulcan right away, even being in no comfortable place for sex, even with his body sore and aching for the too many rounds of sex they had already had.  
He felt intoxicated by the vulcan, almost as if he couldn't have enough of him.  
Jim spread his legs more, letting the slick cock slide between his asscheeks, and bent over the little table.  
“Come on, take me...” He moaned, arching his back when Spock let his erection go only to grab his hips and finally push himself inside of him once more.  
They moaned loudly and Spock let him have no time to get adjusted to it, starting to thrust in him hard right away.  
Jim tried to match his thrusts to the best of his abilities, exhausted by the physical exertion of those days but too galvanized at feeling his libido matched for once.

Jim woke up that afternoon after finally fainting during an extremely passionate session of lovemaking and found himself on his side, Spock pressed against his back and his arms around him. The vulcan was still inside of him, but he was only gently rocking his hips, the kind of movement that spoke of laziness and a simple need to be one with him.  
Jim sighed and turned his head looking for a kiss from over his shoulder.  
“Was it like this before?” He murmured.  
Spock kept silent for a moment but then he spoke. “It was more violent before.” He admitted.  
It was the first time he was actually able to understand and talk in standard while taking him since the whole ordeal had started and Jim took that as a good sign for the ending of the pon farr.  
“Can't imagine it.” He huffed a smile, gently stroking one arm of his lover.  
“I once threw a bowl of soup against Chapel.” He recalled with a little shake of his head. “And smashed a computer. I was very angry and violent during pon farr.” He admitted with a little sigh.  
“Still cannot imagine that.” Jim smiled putting his head back down on the pillow. For a moment his thoughts went to Uhura, hoping she wouldn't get the blunt of Spock's anger when his time was to come.  
Spock's thrusts suddenly came to a halt and Jim hurried to go back to caressing him, wondering how it was that the vulcan could almost sense whenever he was thinking about the other Spock at all.  
“Is it almost done then?”  
“I dare hope so.” Spock admitted.  
“Nothing else to do? Aside from that romantic dinner you promised me.” He added with a smirk, and Spock stopped once more even though he had just gone back to moving inside of him. “Spock?”  
“There is something else, but it is not necessary for my well being and I cannot ask that of you anyway.”  
“What's that?” Jim asked curious, licking his lips when Spock slowly pulled out of him without even needing to reach his climax once more.  
Definitely a good sign, Jim decided.  
He was able to turn to the vulcan and on seeing his troubled expression he suddenly guessed exactly what was missing there.  
“It's the meld, isn't it?”  
“I cannot ask that of you, Jim. I will not.” Spock shook his head.  
“What if I was the one interested...” Jim murmured, caressing his side.

Spock couldn't help but give Jim everything he wanted, more than ever when it was about something he wanted too, something he had missed for so long and just had a taste of with him.  
He joined their minds and suddenly he could feel exactly how much Jim had been eager to feel his too since the day they had met in the cave.  
Jim was sincerely happy to sink inside Spock's mind and let Spock get inside his, to feel that close to the vulcan and trust him to not run away even while showing him every detail of his life.  
Until suddenly he started to feel something form between them and grew curious about it.  
Spock sensed his curiosity and Jim could feel him have the equivalent of a mental sigh. Something that smelled of regret and love.  
“Spock?” He tried calling him inside the meld.  
“If we do not break apart soon a bond will form, my dear.” Spock answered, gently caressing his side with his free hand.  
“What?”  
Spock answered his curiosity by leading Jim through his memories of the bond he had previously shared with his own Captain, the feeling of regret growing stronger, and Jim suddenly understood that the vulcan missed the man he had been in love with for years.  
With that, his own sadness spiked and no trying to hide it from Spock worked.  
The vulcan could see right through him to his feeling unworthy of love, never believing that someone would have come along ready to love him for him, not for his name or because he resembled someone else. And sadly that applied to Spock too, still clearly in love with his old t'hy'la, probably in bed with him only because the two shared a tiny bit of themselves, he thought.  
Spock felt almost a stab into his heart at finally seeing what Jim thought of him, of what they had shared, and hurried to show the human how he was mistaken, how he had fallen in love with him not because he was Jim Kirk, but because he had shown Spock a different person still worthy of his love.  
“You will find someone that will love you, Jim. Somebody for whom you will be the center of the universe.”  
“It might not be the case, though. What you thought the other Jim deserved doesn't mean I have to have it too. As things are, I probably will have a very different life.” Jim sighed, trying to pull away from him.  
Spock let him go, not wanting to force him inside a meld that he didn't desire anymore. But that didn't stop him from holding him tight with a little smile curling his lips.  
“You and my younger counterpart are more similar than you might think, dear.”  
Jim groaned and rolled his eyes, pushing out of his hug to lie on his back.  
Spock smiled down at him, gently caressing his stomach, feeling much better after the meld.  
Jim let him, staring at the ceiling, and after a few seconds he covered the vulcan's hand with his own, not thinking for a moment about the reaction that would have gotten from Spock.  
The old vulcan took a deep breath, trying to keep calm.  
“Do you really think so?” Jim asked softly, and Spock went back to looking at him. “That I will find someone that would put me in the center of their universe?” He asked in a whisper, confiding in Spock to not laugh at him.  
“I know so, Jim. We are t'hy'la, I know exactly how much you deserve.”  
“Didn't stop you from rejecting me just now.”  
Spock fell silent for a moment. He thought about Jim's words and pulled him once more into his arms, kissing his forehead.  
“I made many mistakes in my life, Jim, but I would never forgive myself if I were to hinder your and Spock's relationship by being too greedy and wishing for myself what is his by right.”  
Jim chuckled bitterly, staring at his chest. “What makes you think I would want him in the first place?” He asked, even if it was pointless and he knew it.  
Spock had been in his mind, sought through his memories and feelings, and had seen clear as day those little seeds of love planted there together with doubts, regrets and denial.  
Spock kept silent, knowing perfectly well why he was pretending to not want the other, and let him get past that thought before gently caressing his face, trying to find his gaze once more.  
“If Spock will go ahead and marry Uhura as he had said he will, then I will grant your wish, ashayam.”  
“You really have to teach me vulcan.” Jim murmured. “But you don't have to do that bonding thing if you don't want to.” He added, gently pushing against his chest to get away from him.  
Spock didn't let him, shaking his head. “Do not act like you did not see how much I desire it too, how much I love you and how hard it is for me to deny you now. But I want to think about your happiness first, Jim, and about myself later.”  
Jim sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, and without a word pulled the vulcan against himself, looking for a kiss that spoke volumes, at least to Spock, about his need to make him forget everything else.

***

Jim didn't understand Spock had been meditating until he gently put one hand over his shoulder and the vulcan opened his eyes once more.  
“Sorry, didn't want to disturb you.” Jim apologized, ready to step back inside the house.  
But Spock shook his head and stood up from his stone in the garden with grace.  
“I was practically done, do not worry. Did you finish packing?”  
“Yeah.” Jim huffed a smile, keeping silent for a couple seconds while he watched the vulcan’s eyes. “Can I still contact you?”  
“Of course, Jim.” Spock almost smiled at him, bringing together his hands in front of himself.  
He wasn't sure how much he should believe that the young human would contact him as frequently as before. He actually could imagine Jim talking with his younger counterpart and the two of them finally stepping up their friendship. He would have understood if Jim was to decide he needed a bit more space from him.  
“Will you do the same?” Jim murmured, stepping closer to him as Spock rose one eyebrow.  
“Of course.”  
Jim nodded slowly, but instead of stepping back to go back inside, since his rendevouz with the Starfleet shuttle was approaching, he leaned in closer to the vulcan and gently kissed him on the lips.  
That left Spock truly surprised and after a moment he moved his hands to the human's hips, returning the hug when Jim wrapped his arms around his shoulders.  
It was a sweet and unexpected goodbye and Spock found himself genuinely wishing Jim could have stayed far longer.

When Jim boarded the Enterprise in time for the finishing of the repairs, he found Spock waiting for him.  
The First Officer had declined the shore leave, saying that he wanted to make sure everything would have been alright, but as much as he seemed to like the paperwork he also looked somehow pleased to have the Captain back and take a break from the desk job.  
“Captain.” He nodded at Jim.  
Jim couldn't help but smile at him, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder before walking out of the transporter room with his First Officer in tow, already asking for reports of what had been done while he was away.  
As much as he had loved being on New Vulcan and everything that had happened there, he still felt a deep contentment at being back on his ship.  
They were riding the elevator when Jim threw a glance at the vulcan. “Spock sends his greetings.”  
Spock nodded his head a fraction, still reading from his padd. “A very unvulcan thing to do.” He commented in passing. “But I am pleased to know you two had a chance to meet before he would-” He hesitated, raising his gaze to the doors in front of them, looking for someway to explain that he feared Spock would have been indisposed by the time Jim was to reach him. Without making any mention of pon farr.  
Jim huffed a smile, tilting his head towards him. “Get the fever?”  
Spock turned to look at him with one raised eyebrow, looking shocked for anybody who could read him. “Excuse me, Captain?”  
“I know about pon farr, Spock, it's okay. He went through it fine, he's still alive and kicking.” He chuckled.  
But Spock didn't smile at all, looking at him almost affronted, as if evaluating the chance that Jim had actually hacked some vulcan database to find out about what was happening to the ambassador.  
Jim sighed tiredly under his gaze. “He told me, Spock. I didn't take him by surprise or anything, or strong armed him into telling me. Well, he was surprised I was there, that he was.”  
“How is it possible that he told you?” Spock asked with a low voice. “No otherworlders should find out about it.”  
Jim had managed to lie in the faces of many during his life, but it had always been very difficult to lie to Spock and he could already feel his face heat up.  
“Well, he- I mean, I was-” He cleared his throat, avoiding making eye contact at any cost. “He went into pon farr while I was there.” He admitted.  
That seemed to alarm Spock because suddenly the vulcan was writing at maximum speed on his padd. “I am alerting medbay, as you will need to be checked for injuries-”  
But Jim stopped him with a hand on his arm, catching his attention once more. “No, Spock, he didn't fight me or anything.”  
Spock's confusion showed clearly while the vulcan tried to compute another man in the house of a vulcan male in pon farr getting out of it unscathed.  
“How is that possible? Did he manage to reach such a deep state of meditation?” He asked with a touch of surprise in his voice.  
“No. He tried, but that kinda failed. My fault, actually. He said he would have made it if he had been alone.”  
“Then how-”  
“The traditional way, Spock.” He blurted out, feeling his face on fire with embarrassment at talking to Spock about sex with... an older version of him.  
Spock stood very still for five long seconds, the expressionless mask back on his face more alarming than shouting or even a good pounding from him.  
Jim parted his lips, looking for something to say, but Spock turned away, staring in front of himself and bringing his hands behind his back.  
“I have to thank you, then, for helping a member of my race survive.” He recited like a robot. “I am counting on you knowing that the matter is of the most reserved kind and does not need to be talked about ever again.” He nodded his head, stepping out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened up enough to let him through, leaving a speechless Jim behind.

***

On New Vulcan Spock had been surprised to receive as frequently communications from Jim as there happened to be before they had spent his pon farr together. He had expected to hear from his t'hy'la much less than before, fearing the human would take their sexual encounters as a hindrance to their friendship. But Jim had surprised once more and instead had gone right back into calling him to just talk, brag about some mission, or complain about his First Officer, sometimes all three of them during the span of a single chess match.  
Spock could easily admit that he loved those communication with the human, the feeling of still being accepted by him even if the regret kept slowly growing more and more at the thought of what they could have been had he agreed to bond them.  
Everything changed when he received a communication from the vulcan First Officer on board the Enterprise.  
The communication came as a surprise, but only the young Spock could have been able to understand that the micro expression on the old vulcan was one of surprise at seeing his face instead of that of the Captain.  
“Live long and prosper, Selek.” Spock greeted him with the name he had decided to take in that universe.  
“Peace and long life, Spock.” He raised his ta'al. “Is there something I can do to help you?”  
Spock, though, shook his head minutely, his back straighter than ever. “Not at this time. I contacted you to inform you of my imminent wedding. It seemed only right to invite you to attend.”  
The old Spock was left speechless for a moment, a little pang on his side when he understood that clearly what he had hoped for had finally happened. It was a bittersweet thought to know that his young counterpart would finally be able to join his t'hy'la in marriage, and yet to know that he would have no more chances to be as close to Jim as they had been on New Vulcan during his latest visit.  
“My congratulations, then. I will gladly attend.” He confirmed with a nod of his head.  
Spock nodded too. “It will be celebrated on New Vulcan, at the house of my father. My fiance wants me to let you know that per human tradition you can bring with you another person of your choice to accompany you.”  
Spock could barely hold back a little smile. “Oh, so it will be a half vulcan-half human wedding?” He asked, thinking that he could barely wait to see it, Jim making the vulcans in this universe fall in love with him and his little quirks.  
But the young Spock barely lifted an eyebrow at him. “It seemed the most logical choice seeing how my future wife is human and so will be more than half the guests. Nyota decided to invite all the senior staff together with all her family. Which is... particularly large.” He slowly admitted, looking at some vague point over the communicator, tilting his head a bit while probably thinking about some unusual number of parents.  
It was actually a stroke of luck, since otherwise he would have surely noticed the shock on his older self.  
Spock had no idea what to say or to think as he finally understood that Spock was in fact going on with his plan to marry the woman instead of his t'hy'la.  
After that communication ended, he expected to receive one from Jim, but no matter how long he waited no call would come, the time since their last contact stretching into a far longer period than any others since their little tête-à-tête.  
In the end it was Spock who made the call, not sure what mood Jim would try to appear to him in.

For once Jim didn’t look good, with big dark circles under his eyes and the face of someone who didn’t sleep and probably didn’t eat well enough. But he stretched a smile at seeing Spock.  
“It’s good to see you, old friend.”  
“It really is.” Spock had to admit, not even bothering to hide his worry. “You do not look well, though.”  
Jim let his gaze slide over the communicator and onto the wall beside him.  
“Yeah well, it’s a busy period… a lot of work to do. Sorry for not calling you anymore.” He added in a hurry when he finally seemed to remember that in the time they haven’t heard from each other he would have probably called the other at least twice.  
“It is understandable, Jim.” Spock shook his head, raising half way his hand to stop him. Still, he wasn’t sure how to bring forth the reason of his call. But beating around bush had never worked with Jim. “Spock called me. I am invited to his wedding.”  
Jim nodded slowly, his eyes uncharacteristically fixed on his chest instead of his face. But suddenly he seemed to remember himself because he hurried to raise his head, a new smile spreading on his lips.  
“Yeah, yeah, it’s going to be great.” He nodded. “Uhura is inviting all the bridge crew, you know. Even Sulu’s husband and daughter will be there. Bones is trying to get his little girl to come, too.”  
Spock kept silent, letting Jim talk about how big it was going to be, what he had inferred from the chatter around his ship, and felt the pain in his side spread more at seeing how much the young man was trying to hide how that news had broken him.  
Spock had been in his mind enough to guess that Jim was probably surprised to see how much he had hoped for a relationship that, in the end, wasn’t going to happen at all. And Spock suddenly felt irritated and tired, but those emotions were against himself since if he had just listened to the young man, consented to give him what he wanted, Jim would have maybe stopped hoping for someone that was already in a relationship with someone else. But Spock had been so sure his younger counterpart would have seen reason that he had sincerely thought he would have ruined something by putting himself between them.  
But now the young man that had always feared not deserving happiness, not deserving Spock himself, had faced the hard fact that his fears were real and Spock had probably never wanted him to start with.  
Whatever the young vulcan would think, Spock knew Jim was their t’hy’la; however, soon he realized that if the other didn’t want anything to do with Jim as a lover and only could accept him as a brother and friend, then nothing stopped him from giving the human all the happiness that was in his power to give him.  
“I have a plus one.” He interjected as soon as Jim stopped his stream of chatters to breathe.  
Jim frowned, trying to understand apropos of what that was.  
“Yeah, me too.”  
Spock nodded slightly, holding his hands on the table in front of himself. “I wondered if maybe I could ask a young, bright Captain to be the plus one of this old ambassador for the wedding.” He murmured, tilting his head a bit. “Even if I have been a fool before, and could understand if this time you were the one-” He stopped when, for the first time since their communication had started, a sincere smile spread slowly across Jim’s lips.  
“You want me to come with you?”  
“There is no one else in the universe I would want on my arm.” Spock answered sincerely, looking him straight in the eyes.  
Jim chuckled softly, looking at him attentively, and slowly nodded while licking his lips.  
“You would, obviously, be invited to spend as much time in my house as you like. I guess the house of Sarek would be full of members of their families, not enough space for all of their friends.”  
“Very kind of you.” Jim nodded feigning gravity for a moment before laughing, instinctively leaning closer to the monitor. “Do you mean it, Spock?”  
“Yes. I am a fool, but I am not used to making the same mistake twice.”  
Jim smiled at him tiredly, but not as broken as when their call had started. “I’ll let them know then. I’ll see you soon, my friend.”  
“Until then, ashayam.” Spock nodded with the ghost of a smile on his lips.

***

Spock couldn't help smiling a bit at finding Jim on his doorstep once more. This time he had been awaiting the Captain to arrive and was relieved to see the human looking slightly better than he had looked during their last communication.  
"Live long and prosper." Jim greeted him with the ta'al, clearly proud of having learned the words.  
Spock nodded at him with a certain satisfaction, returning the greeting to then step back and let him inside.  
But Jim could always manage to surprise him, so as soon as the door was closed behind him, he let his duffel bag drop to the ground to wrap his arms around the vulcan's shoulders, leaning in for a kiss.  
Spock held him tight, pressing himself against the human with an eagerness that he had rarely felt in his life.  
During the last few weeks he had had plenty of time to think about what had happened between Jim and his First Officer and how his refusal to even consider Jim as his t'hy'la had surely been hurting the human all the more since he had learned the meanings behind it through him.  
At first he had been terribly annoyed with his young counterpart, at least until he had remembered his own attempt to run from his Captain when he was younger, almost purging all of his emotions in an attempt to feel less for the man. He had been foolish at the time, saved only by Jim's voice through their bond.  
Now he was afraid Spock was trying something very similar, escaping into a relationship that looked much easier, much less troubling for his heart that surely was longing for something. Spock knew exactly how confusing and terrifying it was to want something that strongly, not knowing the reason behind it, not knowing what to do.  
It had seemed so much like denying his vulcan roots at the time, to run behind some desire; now, obviously, Spock was experiencing the same, probably even wondering if what he felt was instead just a deep friendship.  
Spock had tried to talk to him on the matter, but the young vulcan had showed signs of annoyance, reassuring him that he valuated Jim's friendship very much, to the point to ask him to be his best man. And though it was not what Spock had wanted to know, he still could see how from Spock's point of view he was trying to answer a need that he couldn't even fully grasp with the best next thing.  
And so, Spock had decided to get over his need to push the two together since Spock seemed to be an unmovable object and Jim was clearly hurting too much to try and be the unstoppable force once more. Spock couldn't really blame him for that. Instead, he returned the kiss with all his love and passion.  
"Can I?" He whispered on Jim's lips, raising one hand to his face.  
But Jim shook his head minutely, a sorrowful look on his face. "I don't want you to see what's in there yet."  
“What if I wanted to let you see what is in mine?” Spock murmured, looking him in the eyes. When he stepped back Jim followed.

Jim was grateful to Spock for not only hosting him in his house, but for being such an amazing date and keeping his mind differently occupied when they had to go to the ceremony as well.  
A part of him managed to be happy for his friend for finally marrying the woman he was in love with, but the rest of him couldn’t help but feel a quiet desperation in the pit of his stomach at seeing the one Spock had promised him time and time again would have loved him, definitely see him just as a friend.  
It was, after all, just as he had told the old vulcan; happiness didn’t come easy for him, no matter how easily it came for the Jim he had previously known.  
But still he went to the wedding, one hand gratefully secured in the crook of the ambassador’s arm, and smiled at his friends on their happiest day.  
He wondered if the frown that appeared on Spock’s face at seeing him together with “Selek” was because they had failed to alert him that there would have been two “plus ones” less, or because Jim wasn’t smiling enough to pass as happy to those who knew him best.  
But the vulcan kept silent, taking his eyes off of Jim, thankfully to stare straight ahead at the old woman approaching them to bond Spock and Uhura in the vulcan way.

When the Enterprise crew left New Vulcan, it was with a married couple on the bridge crew and one Captain feeling a warm and pleasant presence in the back of his mind that he guarded himself from talking about to anyone.

***

For the past two years, the two senior officers of the Enterprise had formed a routine where they would meet up in Jim’s quarters to get over paperwork together for a couple evenings a week, and another night - usually Friday - to play chess together until late. That didn’t mean they wouldn’t spend time together when off duty outside of those evenings, it just meant that they had come to expect those times to be just for them.  
Still, Jim had been so sure that things would have changed between him and Spock after the vulcan had married that he was left speechless when instead of foregoing their usual meeting in his quarters to go over paperwork together, Spock came to his door as punctual as always.  
“Spock?”  
Spock looked at him with that amused look only he could give without moving his facial muscles, padd in hand.  
“It’s ten past nine.”  
“Y-yeah.” Jim frowned, taking a step back to let him in and don’t just let the vulcan stay in the hallway. “What are you doing here?” He asked confused as to why his friend would rather do paperwork with him instead of spending the time in his cabin with his wife.  
But Spock looked more confused than he was, quirking an eyebrow at him.  
"I am here to go over the latest reports with you, as always. We also need to address Starfleet's request for our next mission, which could objectively wait until tomorrow when we are both on duty, but I thought you would have preferred more time to go over the details."  
But Jim still couldn't understand why he would want to work with him on his free time instead of doing what he had to in the adjacent room, in the company of the woman he loved.  
"Yes, but what about Uhura? I thought that once you were married you would rather stay in your room with her." He admitted, deciding it would have been better to just say it out loud.  
But Spock didn't seem to take it well. He straightened his back more, his usual mask of indifference sliding over him.  
"Captain, is this your way to let me know that now that my status is changed you would rather have our relationship be strictly professional?” He asked with a steel voice.  
Jim raised his hands at that, trying to stop him. “No, Spock, no. You know that I like very much spending time with you, outside of duty as well, I merely thought what I said. That I hadn’t really been expecting you, thinking you would prefer Uhura’s company to mine.”  
The vulcan relaxed somewhat at his explanation, but went right back at looking perplexed at him.  
“Uhura and I see each other much more frequently now that we share the same quarters, as there is no lack of opportunity for us to spend time together. I see no reason for my new status of “married vulcan” to influence my routine.”  
Jim wasn’t really sure about the logic behind that. He was quite sure, in fact, that the marriage should have counted for something, but since Spock had already made a decision - and arguing about it was really not Jim’s place - he shrugged.  
“If you can’t see it, it’s fine by me, I guess.” He nodded at the usual chair Spock would sit on during their nights.  
If for once Spock seemed much more satisfied than usual, Jim decided to make no mention of it, leaving him be and throwing himself in the paperwork as the other was already doing.

Even if he had at first decided that it wasn’t any of his business though, Jim couldn’t help but notice the passing of time and how the Vulcan gave no hint to want to wrap it up. The more they worked in the evening, the more Jim wondered if it really was possible that Spock could be so fine in leaving Uhura alone. There was a chance that she was occupied herself, sure, but there was something gnawing at his instincts, such as the feeling that Spock would have hinted to that when Jim had brought up his wish to stay there instead of his own room.  
“Maybe it would be better to see what’s left tomorrow.”  
Spock, though, seemed to want nothing to do with it, sliding his padd toward Jim for another signature.  
“It would be better to see them now, I think. If you are still set on going with the away team I would rather have all the paperwork needing your signature over mine before you beam down.”  
It was a sensible decision and Jim easily bent to it. At least until he noticed it was way past midnight.  
“So, how is the life of the married man?” He tried with a little smile, thinking the vulcan would have maybe noticed how late it was.  
But Spock didn’t even move his gaze from his padd.   
“Why, do you wonder if it could suit you?”  
Jim chuckled at that. “No, really not. The person I might want to marry is not even born yet.” He joked.  
Spock slowly lifted his gaze on him, giving him a penetrating look that soon stopped Jim’s laugh.  
“Indeed?” The vulcan murmured, and suddenly Jim had the crazy thought that maybe after all Spock could have managed to find out about the bond he shared with his older self.  
But it was impossible, and soon Spock had returned his focus on the padd, the question about his marriage left unanswered.  
Jim started to think that his friend would have spent all night on that chair when he noticed it was one in the morning ship time, but when a yawn escaped him suddenly the vulcan rose to his feet, surprising Jim even more as he declared that it was too late and the Captain needed to sleep for a good amount of time.

Jim had no idea what to think about the strange behavior of his First Officer, and while brushing his teeth he kept expecting to hear a discussion from behind the other door, some sign that he wasn’t the crazy one to think two newlyweds would rather spend time together. But there was nothing from Spock’s side, leaving only a complete silence that managed to send Jim back to bed feeling a strange sense of alienation from what was right. In bed he tried to nudge at the fresh bond he had formed on New Vulcan and, when the older Spock on the other side answered sending him a wave of warm affection, Jim couldn’t help but smile, turning on the pillow and quickly falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to BlaCkreed4 for beta reading this chapter!
> 
> Sorry it took a long time to post the next chapter but my betas are busy in this time of the year, so if anyone can help me out you will be more than welcomed!

It seemed that Jim had not been the only one to think the late nights of working alone with Spock in his quarters would become a thing of the past, or at least some rare occurrence. Soon the arguments that Jim had anticipated the first time started and he couldn't help but hear some of them through the door of their joint bathroom.  
But he could hardly try and tell Spock he had eavesdropped into their private conversations; he tried, nonetheless, to make the vulcan notice when it would be considered too late to keep working, or even to play chess. Still, Spock seemed impervious to his hints.  
Apparently, the vulcan didn't like very much going back to his quarters now that he was sharing them with someone else, and he would rather spend time with Jim - as contradictory as it might have seemed - playing, talking, or just working.  
In the end, Jim stopped hinting towards the woman in the adjacent quarters, knowing it wasn't his place to make the vulcan change his ways.  
The problem was that even if he was sincerely sorry for Uhura, who was gradually showing more hints of breaking down, he couldn't help but enjoy the time he was spending with Spock.  
When the vulcan would follow him while still reading from his padd into the mess, Jim would pointedly go sit in front of Uhura, hoping as it had always happened in the years before that Spock would sit beside her. Jim gave the woman a little smile those times, glad to have them at least eat together. But if Uhura seemed grateful to him, sometimes trying to engage her husband in conversation, Jim noticed that with the passing of weeks and months she didn't look as happy to have Spock beside her anymore. Not when it was clear that the only reason he was there was to keep working, sitting there just because he had been following his superior officer.  
Jim didn't really know what to do the day Uhura actually stood up at seeing them enter the mess hall, going to put her dinner in the trash instead of staying at the table and wait for them to join her.  
The worst part of it was that still, Spock didn't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. Probably the only one in the whole mess, if all the eyes on him were anything to go by.

It had only taken a few weeks for the rumors to start.  
It always took a brief time for it to happen in a closed space like a starship, where everyone knew everyone and the alpha shift was full of those who everybody wanted to know better, or talk about if possible.  
There was nothing Jim could do to Spock, no reprimand he could give on the professional sphere, but in the privacy of his quarters he tried to at least ask the vulcan if everything was alright with his marriage.  
"Everything is as expected." Spock had answered in a low voice, contemplating the chess pieces without really seeming to see them.  
Jim knew it had all gone too far the night they finished working as late as usual but when he got out of the shower afterwards he could hear the voices of the married couple as clear as if they had been in the bathroom with him, Uhura seething and Spock answering with his usual calm voice.  
"You should at least admit it if you would rather spend time with him than with me!"  
"It is not a matter of preferring one to the other as we were working, Nyota."  
But Uhura gave out a bitter laugh. "Please. You're off duty, you both are. And I don't think Jim is as interested in paperwork as you try to pass him off to be."  
Suddenly Spock's voice had an abrupt change and the calm tone of a moment before left space to a glacial tone that had Jim shivering with the memory of that same rage addressed to him that first day on the bridge of the Enterprise many years before.  
"Jim is a responsible Captain, probably the best in the fleet at the moment, and he is not the type of man that would rather push away his responsibilities with Starfleet just to do as he pleases as many seem to think."  
Jim barely noticed he was holding his breath, looking at the wall in front of him with his eyes wide open. He would have never expected such a fervent advocacy from Spock in his regard. Apparently Uhura didn't either, judging by the sarcasm in her voice when she answered a few seconds later.  
"Jim Kirk? A responsible Captain that doesn't push away what Starfleet wants him to do?"  
"It is one thing to make the best decision one can in a difficult situation, taking the chance to ignore the orders to achieve a better result, and another entirely to forego answering to the status and well-being of the ship and the crew, Nyota. He has to constantly read the reports made from the heads of the various departments, make sure the Enterprise is in its optimal state, that we are always ready for any emergencies or routine situation. He has many things to keep under control and his job is not easy. Rarely he can afford to not spend his free time still working. And as First Officer, it is my duty to be by his side."  
"Yes, well, I feel like you would rather stay there, point blank."  
Spock kept silent at that and Jim shook his head, hoping the vulcan would at least defend himself, and only then noticed how he was dripping water all over the floor and hurried to dry himself.  
He knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but at the same time he couldn't make his heart slow down at hearing Spock speak that way of him. And since he was, in fact, the subject matter of the argument, he kinda felt like it was his right to hear it.  
Suddenly Uhura seemed to lose the fire in her though, and that made Jim feel pity for her.  
"Yes, as I imagined. Vulcans do not lie, right? Why didn't you marry him instead, Spock?" She asked, then a couple of seconds later Jim could hear the hiss of the door slide open and then close.  
Jim stood still where he was, trying to understand if they had both left or only one of them, but he was shocked to the core when the low voice of Spock was the one to reach him through the door.  
"Why indeed."

Jim went back to his room with his heart throbbing in his chest, still shocked at what he had heard in the adjacent room. He sat in just his towel on the bed, needing a moment to think and process what he had found out.  
He had no idea what to feel, what he should have done now that he knew Spock was maybe thinking twice about his decision to ignore his t'hy'la to marry Uhura. But there wasn't much the vulcan could do about it then, unless he wanted to divorce, and Jim really wasn't the type of man - whatever some may think of him - to go around breaking marriages. Not even considering the fact that he himself was bonded with the old Spock on New Vulcan.  
He sighed at feeling the bond tremble between them, like a tense thread that Spock was pinching many light years away.  
He knew it was all in his head but Jim gently massaged his chest, feeling as if it was all in there and hoping the vulcan would feel that he still loved him. Even if he knew Spock was well aware of his feelings for his First Officer, being in his head and all.  
He was so lost in thoughts that at first he didn't hear the knocking at his door. He hurried to grab his pants and pajamas when he finally noticed somebody was there, trying to clear his head in a hurry.  
"One moment." He called, walking barefoot and shirtless to the door.  
The moment he opened it it wasn't really clear who was more surprised; Jim, to find Spock standing there, or Spock to see Jim shirtless.  
The vulcan's surprise could have been justified but soon his gaze started focusing more and more on the naked chest in front of himself and Jim felt himself blush at the way Spock's gaze roamed on his skin, stopping briefly over his pink nipples.  
The silence stretched between them, Spock intent in staring at the other, Jim trying desperately to not get hard under the heated gaze he was receiving, well aware of where he had seen such a look, his memories of the pon farr he had spent with the old Spock still clear in his mind.

"What can I do for you, Spock?" He murmured, trying to shake himself from the memories of the sex that would have followed if Spock had stared at him like that, almost as if he wanted nothing more than to devour him.  
Spock startled, his gaze snapping back up to his face while a light green appeared on his cheeks. The transformation was quick and the vulcan straightened his back, bringing his hands behind his back with a slow breath.  
"I wanted to know if you would be amenable to playing a game of chess tonight, but clearly it is not the best moment."  
"Not at all." Jim answered before even thinking, but then he decided to run with it and took a step back to invite him inside. "I was just getting into my pajamas, but if it's okay for you to stay around me dressed down we could play." He chuckled, wondering what got into him as he went to fetch his shirt.  
"Not at all." Spock echoed in a low murmur, his gaze still on his back as he let the door slide close behind him.  
When Jim turned, now covered, Spock had already busied himself in taking the chess board down from the shelf behind the desk to put it on the low table in front of the couch.  
They usually played on the desk, leaving the low table for when they were particularly strung out after some mission, and from that Jim guessed the mood the vulcan was in.  
It would have spoken loudly of a bad night even if he had not heard the argument on the other side.  
Moreover, Spock wouldn't usually get back to him so soon after a long evening of paperwork, but it was clear the vulcan was not really thinking, moving on autopilot and just needing to be out of his quarters to distract himself.  
Jim could understand that and he started the game hoping it could really be the equivalent of the two fingers of andorian ale he would pour himself on bad nights for the vulcan.

But Spock was seriously not in the game that night, and when he paused with his bishop in hand Jim knew that he wasn't thinking about the game at all.  
"Spock, is there something I can help you with? Be it an ear to listen, or anything else." He murmured.  
Spock didn't take his eyes off the board for several seconds, even if the bishop looked more and more forgotten in his hand. Very slowly Spock found a place for it and finally he raised his gaze on the human in front of himself.  
"I never thought that marriage could change people." He admitted slowly.  
Jim pressed his lips into a thin line, feeling truly sorry for him. "I'm not really an expert in marriages, Spock. But maybe it's not the marriage, but just the chance to get to know each other better. And maybe yourselves." He shrugged.  
Spock slowly nodded, considering attentively his words.  
"It is possible." He admitted.  
Jim nodded and did his move, then sat back to watch him. Spock still seemed in his own head and when the time started stretching and he gave no hint of watching the board, Jim cleared his throat.  
"Spock?"  
The vulcan moved his gaze from his hands to him, and Jim sighed softly.  
"It's your move."  
Spock turned to the board, almost surprised, but in the end he let his shoulders drop an inch.  
"I probably made a mistake coming here this late."  
"It's probably best to finish this another time." Jim nodded standing up, mirrored by the vulcan. "Take care, Spock."  
Spock nodded at him, walking to the door, but then he stopped for a moment, throwing a glance at him.  
"Good night, Jim. Sleep well." He murmured before going out, giving Jim no time to answer.

After that, the rumors of an imminent divorce around the ship grew louder and persistent, as if the more they went around the less people would care about not talking about it in front of Spock, Uhura, or even their Captain.  
They all kept saying that apparently marrying a vulcan was not what Uhura had thought it would be and their marriage was on the verge of breaking.  
Jim couldn't really issue a warning to stop these rumors, no matter how much he hoped they would stop.  
But there was no use when Spock would take more work upon himself to not get back to their shared quarters and Uhura appeared more tense with every passing day, preferring the company of friends to that of her husband.

***

Jim tried to ask Spock for clarifications the next time the ambassador called him.  
Their communications were still the best part of his week and Jim felt relaxed anytime he would see the face of his old lover through the monitor.  
"Do divorces exist on Vulcan?"  
Spock frowned slightly at the question. "They used to happen, at least when one of the partners were involved with a serious crime. The other partner could ask for a divorce and so to be able to not follow their spouse if they chose the exile. But in the modern society that has been developed. Since we moved to New Vulcan though there have not been requests of divorces as of yet. Personally, I hypothesize that they might decide to use it as a tool to actually partner up more people and have an increase in the gene pool. But it is merely an idea I have. In the past it was a thing not to be taken lightly, as it might give problems to the two that are bonded and would need their bond to be rescinded. There was actually a way to break a relationship with an unwanted partner before the marriage, the woman could claim kal-if-fee and try to refuse that way the betrothed her family had chose for her." He nodded slowly, explaining the ritual at Jim when he simply frowned at him.  
Not that Jim liked much hearing that Spock himself had been forced to fight to death at his first pon farr. But suddenly a new thought occurred to him.  
He straightened his back, staring at the wall in front of him as he wondered if that could have been the case.  
"Jim?"  
"You said that the bond made before the first pon farr is a shallow one."  
"It is. It will deepen and be an actual bond only when the pon farr is consumed between the two."  
Jim moved his gaze back on him. "Does that mean that Uhura could still refuse Spock? We both know that he hasn't had his first pon farr yet."  
Spock slowly nodded at understanding his thinking process. "It is possible. She is not vulcan, so there is no way to know what effect that could have on Spock. I do not think he would die when the bond is broken, the bond is not between vulcans and it is surely still a shallow one. But Spock would need someone to bond with him if she steps back. It is true though that I merely woke up from my fever the first time because I feared that I hurt you, so I was myself a bit outside of what was considered normal. So there is no way to know how pon farr and her possible refusal would really affect Spock in this universe either."  
Jim sighed, worried for his friend, wondering what would become of him if she really was about to file for divorce.  
"I hope he has already told her about pon farr and he's not leaving it for her to find out when it's time already."

In the end Jim had decided to wait to tell his old lover what he had heard from the other room, not feeling like it was his place to rat about it and not really wanting to talk about the other's doubts about not chasing him. Spock was well aware of his love for his First Officer, just as he knew that Jim had no intention to pursue him anyway.  
But his decision not to be the one to put Spock's marriage in jeopardy was probably pointless since the first effort in keeping it together should have come from his First Officer.  
Instead, the more Jim made an effort to pay attention to it, the more he reckoned the vulcan hardly took his eyes off him, even when it wasn't strictly necessary.  
Apparently Spock had also developed a distaste for leaving Jim alone with strangers aboard the Enterprise and while planetside.  
When he would have insisted at first that it was not per regulation that the two most senior officers of the starship beam down together, now he would hardly stay behind, sometimes saying there was something he had to check planetside, other times simply saying that he wanted to beam down with him, others more saying that he was doing so to keep an eye on him as he should do as second in command.  
The problem was that even if he knew it wasn't right, Jim could never manage to tell him not to go with him, secretly enjoying his company and the attention the vulcan gave him. It was a dangerous game, Jim knew it, but having Spock beside him made him actually feel more secure in himself and there was everything to gain in a Captain focused on his job while relaxed at the same time.

There seemed to be no downside on the professional side of it, at least until Spock one day turned to him while they were running in the elevator, a little crease in the center of his forehead that had formed since Jim had greeted on board the diplomatic party of a planet to carry them to some conference in an adjacent solar system.  
"Captain, I think it is unwise for you to invite the princess in your quarters tonight, even if she said she would love dining with you alone."  
"Why so?" Jim asked sincerely, even with a little smirk slowly spreading on his lips.  
Spock didn't look too happy about the question. "We still do not know their take on the peaceful attempts that also involve their planet. Until we know that they are really intentioned to live a peaceful life and stopping the war that had been breaking out between their planet and the adjacent ones, I do not trust her to not have a malign intent with the Captain of a renewed and fully armed starship."  
"Spock, are you telling me I could be seduced into firing the weapons of my ship into some innocent planet if a princess was to put herself into it?" He lifted both his eyebrows at him, and Spock rose one himself.  
"That is not what I meant. Merely that I fear she could try to do something to hurt you, and without any witness we could be late in coming to your aid."  
"Thanks, Spock, I think I can risk dining with an unarmed diplomat." Jim chuckled.  
"I know you can defend yourself, sir-"  
"What is it then? Do you fear she could make me forget my duties till we get them to where they have to go and I'll stop minding my ship to just run around her skirt?"  
Spock kept quiet for a couple seconds, moving his gaze to the doors in front of them. "No." He murmured after a while, when Jim had almost started to think no answer would have come.  
But then Spock managed to do something even more surprising and when the vulcan standing beside him moved his hand a few inches towards him, Jim almost stopped breathing. He did not dare lower his gaze to their hands but the thrill that run through his skin from his fingers up his arm was unmistakable.  
He couldn't believe his stoic First Officer had just given him the shortest vulcan kiss while pretending nothing was happening and still staring in front of himself.  
His mind filled with questions, if it had been accidental, if Spock was out of his mind to do something like that when he himself was married, but he didn't know what to say, too shocked to even stop Spock when the doors slid open and he hurried to precede Jim on the bridge.  
He still kept his eyes on him when he slowly walked to the captain’s chair, noticing how greener than usual Spock looked and how Uhura noticed too, her gaze moving from her husband to Jim in a too pointedly way. Jim wore his best poker face while sitting down, wondering if Uhura could perhaps know better than even them what Spock was up to.

It made Jim feel bad even afterwards, his mind still reeling over that stolen kiss Spock had given him - and he didn’t really think Spock was prone to make mistakes of that kind - and how it was after all something he had dreamed more than once. Even if he had never wanted to do something like that for real, maybe all the times he had dreamed of it in the loneliness of his bed accounted for something.  
He desperately wanted to tell his lover, to have Spock reassure him that he was still worth of being loved even if he had wanted something that bad. Rationally he knew that Spock was already well aware - had always been - of how hopelessly in love he was with a vulcan that he had always thought would never give him the time of day. But now things were changing, even too fast.  
In the end he decided that telling his lover was the best way to lighten the burden he had been carrying on his shoulders from that day, duty after duty pretending nothing had happened even if he could hardly breath any time he had since shared a ride with his First Officer, hoping and fearing at the same time a new kiss.  
The jealousy that came to him through the bond in his mind was a welcome even if slightly unexpected reaction. Jim couldn't help but smile a bit at the old vulcan still calmly looking at him in the monitor.  
"Are you jealous?" He murmured softly.  
"Always." Spock whispered, still not too keen on admitting that clearly his emotions.   
"I'm sorry. I felt it would have been lying to you if I hadn't told you." Jim admitted with a little sigh. "I am still not that indifferent to him."  
Spock pressed his lips together but in the end he seemed to relax and even the bond between them calmed down.  
"I know. I always knew, Jim. Our minds are one after all, and even before I bonded us I knew that you were in love with him. Just how I guessed that he was in love with you despite his refusal to admit so. He is your t'hy'la, it is only normal for you to be attracted to him and have feelings for him. His status does not really matter on this. I confess though that a part of me, no matter how jealous I am of your attentions, still hopes that you two will find your way to each other."  
"Really?" Jim murmured, sincerely surprised since he had thought that since they had bonded Spock would rather have Jim think only of him.  
"It is your destiny, it is what would make you feel complete, even more than being bonded to me. There is nothing I value more than your happiness, Jim, and never will be." The shadow of a smile appeared on his lips and once more Jim felt his chest swell with the love he had for that vulcan.  
"I love you." He murmured, touching the monitor he had in front of himself as if he could have given that caress to his lover.  
Spock smiled, a light green appearing on his cheeks. "I love you, Jim. Let me know about the developments. I am starting to think that your First Officer's pon farr might not be that far away as he would like to think."

After talking with his lover, Jim was able to stop feeling that much guilt about his desire for the younger vulcan on board of his ship. Lying in bed he replayed once more what had happened that day in the elevator, how Spock had surely - even while pretending a total indifference to it - brushed the back of his fingers to his.  
It was a vulcan kiss done a bit covertly, and sounded a lot like something a school boy would do to his first crush. Still, it was unexpected and a total breakthrough for his First Officer. The vulcan had always been so uptight, so reserved, that Jim had felt lucky to just be considered his friend, to have Spock call him by first name and be asked to be his best man at his wedding. But now, even though he was married, Spock had clearly showed with that gesture that there was something more under it, a desire at least for more.  
Jim still felt guilty, if not for Spock - since he seemed to actually approve of them - at least for Uhura, who really did not deserve to be cheated upon.

But in the end that didn't stop him from pushing one hand under the waistband and finally take in his hand the erection that had started filling up since he had started thinking about that stolen kiss.  
Slowly, trying to merge images of his First Officer and the touches he had received from his old lover, Jim started masturbating.  
His little time alone was interrupted by a knock at his door.  
He groaned, hiding his face under the other arm, but when it was repeated he forced himself to pull his hand free from his pants and get out of bed.  
He had to get close to the door before he could hear what the voices outside were saying, and there he stopped.  
He could clearly recognize the voice of the princess they had on board, and he made out something about wanting to see the Captain.  
Jim hadn't heard at first with whom she was talking and he was almost startled to hear Spock's voice, so close he was surely not only outside his door, but probably had put himself between the princess and his door.  
"The Captain is not available at the moment, if I could help you I would be more than glad to do so."  
"Oh, I'm afraid you can't. See, I wanted to know if Jim was free to give me a tour of his amazing ship." She chuckled.  
For a moment Jim couldn't help rolling his eyes, glad he had not answered the door before Spock had stopped her. Thinking about it, he wondered how come the vulcan had been so conveniently ready to take on his visitor.  
"The Captain is otherwise occupied, as I had already informed you." Spock repeated, not budging from where he was.  
Jim bit his lip and after a couple of seconds he pushed his hand back into his pants, taking his erection in his hand and starting to slowly jerk himself off while he listened to Spock stop the too invasive princess.  
"If the reason of your quest outside of your assigned room is a tour I could easily assign a yeoman to you to give you a tour of the ship. Any yeoman currently on duty would be glad to do so."  
Jim huffed a smile and leaned with his back against the wall beside the door, moving his hand faster.  
Trust Spock to let someone know he had had enough of them without really saying out loud.  
"Are you jealous of your Captain, mister Spock?" The princess asked, and suddenly Jim stopped, turning his head slightly towards the sound of their voices, he himself curious about the answer.  
"Vulcans feel no emotion at all, your majesty." Spock answered quietly.  
Jim had to force himself not to laugh at that fat lie, shaking his head with a smile full of affection for those crazy bastards that kept saying something like that only to show a range of emotions that would have put the most emotional men to shame.  
"The only feelings I might have are of loyalty for Starfleet, this ship and the Captain that commands it." Spock added.  
Jim sighed softly, going back to masturbating at those words, the memory of that stolen kiss still fresh in his mind.  
"Oh, I would be loyal to him too." The princess chuckled softly, not really understanding how deep the loyalty of the First Officer ran.  
"I fear you are wasting your time, the Captain is a taken man."  
Jim opened his eyes wide, surprised at hearing Spock speak that way to a dignitary. Not only that break from his usual code, but Jim was fairly sure he had never hinted to his relationship with the ambassador, and suddenly wasn't even really sure Spock was talking about him and "Selek" or about the two of them, despite how crazy that might have been.  
"Oh? I thought you were married to Lieutenant Uhura and that the Captain was fair game."  
The growl that resonated even through the doors was just the same Jim had heard many times coming from his old lover when he would show his jealousy during pon farr and suddenly the memory of it all managed to take Jim over the edge. He muffled the sounds of his pleasure biting the sleeve of his pajama.  
He was so lost in it that it took him several seconds to not only notice that there was no one anymore outside his door, but also that Spock had reacted in a totally out of the ordinary way to a dignitary that had tried to get in his pants.  
Suddenly the warning his lover had given just before closing their communication made much more sense to him.

Any doubts about if Spock was really going into pon farr or not was cleared when the both of them were standing in the transporter room, saying goodbye to the diplomatic party, and the princess threw a look straight at Spock before leaning in to kiss Jim on the lips.  
Jim leaned back, surprised and not really welcoming the kiss, and suddenly he could feel the heat coming off his First Officer behind his back.  
A glance over his shoulder confirmed that the vulcan had moved behind him, his chest almost touching his Captain’s back, his hands raised half way almost as if he had been tempted to take Jim by the arms and physically break them apart.  
It was a shocking act and the princess had the gall to smile smugly at them before getting on the platform.  
Jim gave the signal and barely waited for them to be gone before he asked the crew member manning the transporter padd to leave them alone.  
Spock was still glaring towards the point where the princess had disappeared, but moved his gaze to him when the doors closed behind the other man.  
"Jim-" He started in a low voice, stepping even closer to him, but Jim raised one hand between them, stopping him in his track.  
"Spock, I need to know if you are going in pon farr."  
Spock went still, clearly surprised by his question, but after a moment his face was contorted by rage and a new growl - lower than the one Jim had heard the night before, but still uncharacteristically of any vulcan - escaped his throat.  
"I thought you might have been able to recognize a vulcan with the fever..." He murmured, clenching and unclenching his hands in a desperate attempt to calm down. “Or just me perhaps.”  
Jim kept his cool despite the clear jab at what he had done with Spock's older counterpart.  
"Maybe it would be better to not talk about that right now." He murmured slowly.  
But in answer to his request Spock looked at him with fire in his eyes, a heated gaze that Jim wasn't able to translate for once.  
"It would be better." He almost growled between clenched teeth.  
"Spock, please, I only want to help you out here." He stepped closer to him, knowing that Spock would have never hurt him, not even in the throes of pon farr.  
And in fact Spock took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, and tried to calm down.  
"I need to know what you want to do now." Jim explained slowly.  
"If only I could I would make my way back to Vulcan. Obviously it is now impossible since the planet is no more."  
"We could get you to New Vulcan though. Your people might know what to do to help you out."  
Spock slowly nodded, lowering his gaze to the floor. "It would be the best choice. It is after all the better place for the ceremony." He raised his eyes on Jim when the man just stared confused at him.  
"You need another ceremony even though you are married?"  
If the pon farr hadn't started influencing him Spock would have surely managed to better hide the blush that rose to his cheeks.  
"The bond between me and Uhura is a shallow one, similar to the one shared between betrothed. We would need to lie in the red sands, but I hold out the hope that my people have arranged something appropriate for when we males reach pon farr on our new planet."  
Jim was not that surprised to hear his suspicions were correct and he sighed softly, putting one hand on his friend's arm.  
"I will talk about our need to change course to Starfleet command. I will hijack the ship from the ordered course if I have to." He promised with a half grin.  
Spock let a little breath escape his lips and instinctively he moved closer to Jim in what looked in any way as if he had been on his way to look for a kiss from his lips, but half way he startled himself and straightened his back once more.  
"Thanks, Jim." He murmured, looking straight over his Captain's shoulder, avoiding his eyes.  
"I want you to go back to your quarters and start your meditation and rest and whatever you need. Uhura knows, right?" He added, not really sure about it at that point.  
Once more he was sure he had got it right when Spock pressed his lips together.  
"Not yet. But I think it is time for me to let her know." He admitted.  
"You should have done so months ago, Spock." Jim couldn’t help but reprimand him.  
But Spock's face closed off. "It is forbidden to talk about it to outwordlers."  
"But she is your wife, Spock. You are not supposed to keep secrets from your wife. Moreover when they are about your health. And hers too."  
"You cannot understand, Jim. You are not vulcan."  
"I'm really glad about it in moments like this." Jim sighed, gently caressing his arm up and down. "Go on, I'll take you out of the duty roaster as soon as I get back to my desk."  
"I would have rather pass the fever through meditation." Spock murmured, slowly following him to the door. "But my older counterpart advised me against trying so."  
"Yeah, it didn't work out for him either." Jim admitted with a shrug. "Not when he was young, not when he was old." He cracked a smile, but that disappeared quickly when Spock grabbed his arm, making him turn abruptly with a growl.  
Jim raised his hands, hoping he would calm down once more, all the more because somehow Spock seemed as surprised as he was at his own instinctual reaction.  
"Okay, no more talking about others, I get it." Jim told him, remembering why his lover had had the same reaction months before.  
Spock looked surprised when his words managed to in fact calm him down.  
"I am truly sorry, Jim." He murmured, ashamed at his lack of control.  
"It's alright. Just go back to your room and rest, you are done for the day." He patted his arm.  
Still, Jim made sure to send a message to Uhura's padd as soon as possible to let her know that his door would have always been open to her, if she had any doubt or really wanted to talk about anything at all.

Starfleet didn't seem to believe Jim's urgency to change route and go once more to New Vulcan, maybe in part because the Captain couldn't list it as more than health problems for one of his crew members and apparently that wasn't reason enough "to waste resources". Jim was one breathe away from doing what he wanted, full stop, when they proposed a compromise and asked Jim to take care of a difficult situation on a planet they would have found while travelling towards New Vulcan if it really was so important to reach the vulcan colony.  
Jim didn't like it very much but accepted, talking about it with Bones before he went looking for his First Officer.  
He had heard of Spock's recalling of a rage at being confined into his quarters at his own first pon farr, but he wasn't ready anyway for the destruction that reigned in the married couple's quarter. Jim let his gaze pass from a smashed computer to the bedsheets piled up on the floor, looking from the vulcan sitting silently on top of them with his fingers steepled in front of his face, to the dismayed woman that seemed ready for a battle or to kill her husband.  
"What happened?"  
"Spock apparently is in a mood." Uhura said through gritted teeth.  
Jim closed off at that, throwing a gaze to his First Officer. "Didn't Spock explain to you the reason behind it?"  
"Not really." Uhura huffed, crossing her arms to her chest, fed up with her husband, and Jim nodded to the door.  
"If you can wait outside for me, I think it will be better at this point if I'm the one to explain to you."  
That managed to get Spock's attention because his head suddenly snapped up, his eyes on the Captain.  
"Wait outside my room, Uhura. I have something to tell my First Officer and I'll be right to you." He said calmly.  
Uhura had heard that tone so many times she didn't even say a word, walking slowly to the door to do as she had been told even if she was starting to fear that something was deeply wrong.

As expected Spock didn't take well the fact that they had to firstly make a stop before getting to New Vulcan, but if Jim had expected it to be because it would have been dangerous to him Spock surprised him when he jumped to his feet and marched straight to Jim to grab his arms.  
"You cannot beam down without me." He growled.  
Jim was taken aback and leaned back, not even trying to shrug him off since he knew pretty well of his strength, all the more when enraged.  
"Spock, calm down, what are you talking about?"  
"I know you think that I am bad in this moment, but trust me in this, I would be much worse if I knew you were to beam down on a dangerous planet without me. I am your First Officer, Jim, you cannot leave me behind." He desperately tried to have Jim understand.  
Jim sincerely thought it was a crazy thought, but knew it was better if Spock was to relax instead of reeling him even more by making him notice how unfit for duty he was.  
"Alright, Spock. I'll think about the beaming down party and you think about your meditation, alright?"  
"Jim-" Spock breathed, giving no sign to be about to let him go.  
"Let me go, Spock."  
Spock answered at least to the order, letting his arms drop to his sides.  
Jim nodded, taking a deep breath, and he forced a little smile. "Let me take care of it, Spock. Now I will talk to Uhura." He added, and Spock had at least the decency to take on an apologetic look since he had clearly foregone mentioning anything to the woman he was supposedly going to bond with pretty soon.

Jim knew he had taken well finding out what was comprised in the bonding with the vulcan, but he also knew that not everyone was a sexual animal like him that actually enjoyed days after days of sex. Moreover he had been deeply in love with his old lover when he had accepted it, and the same couldn't be told about Uhura and Spock in that moment.  
The woman had gone through so much since they had married almost a year before that it was really no surprise that her first reaction to hearing about the violent behaviour, the possessiveness, the stronger bond, was to flat out refuse.  
Jim couldn't fault her for standing up from his little couch and saying "No." to all of that.  
Even if he followed her with his eyes while she started pacing his quarters.  
She really looked worse for wear, a shadow of the confident, smiling woman that had been happy to bond with the vulcan she was sure would have loved her forever.  
He had tried his best to help her, always ready to hear her out whenever she would decide to go to talk with him was the best course of action. None of them had wanted to take their friendship away from Spock, but Uhura had more than once just asked if there was something more.  
She was in fact the only one that knew on the whole Enterprise that Jim considered himself a taken man. Even if he had never made the name of his partner she had inferred it, disappearing from his quarters with heavy steps. Subsequently she had knocked at his door once more after a few days, asking him to forgive her for storming out when he had opened up to her, that she knew the two weren't the same person and she had no right to be mad at him for having a relationship with a person that had never much as spoke to her a few sentences.  
Their friendship had endured even the moment Uhura felt fed up with Spock ignoring her at lunch, the moment Spock had refused the shore leave to stay on the ship and work, leaving her to spend her free time with her friends instead of her husband.  
A couple of times she had cried while sitting on that little couch, admitting to feeling more lonely than she had ever felt, and Jim had been able to do so little for her, just holding her and offering the possibility to beam down with the party more often than before to at least have a change of scenery.  
The first time he had offered that Uhura had managed to both cry and laugh on his shoulder, but the second time she had actually accepted, claiming it would have been a good opportunity to get away from their quarters.  
Apparently with time Spock hadn't been the only one to loath spending his free time in the quarters that had previously been assigned only to him. Uhura had confided Jim that many times she would end up spending the night together with Christine, claiming the need for a girls night even thought it was clear that that happened too often to just be the need for some friend's company.  
But at that point, the reality of their marriage being completely different from what she had thought it would be, Uhura just felt trapped at the thought of having a deeper bond with Spock, of having to endure him on her for hour after hour.  
Jim let her vent it out, actually understanding where she came from.  
Suddenly Uhura stopped on her track, turning to look at him.  
"I think he doesn't want it either, Jim. I'm almost sure of it."  
"Uhura-" He started, but she raised one hand to stop him.  
"I'm saying this seriously, Jim. You told me many times that there was nothing going on between the two of you, but I saw the way he looks at you. You are his first thought when there is a danger, and that's normal as your First Officer, but I'm starting to think you're his first thought in the morning and the last at night. And that's why he prefers your company to mine, that's why you are able to calm him down in a way I just can't manage." She sighed, letting her hand drop to her side. "I'm tired, Jim. I'm tired of feeling the second choice, of being left alone and put aside. This was not the marriage I had imagined nor the one anyone would imagine. Spock is an amazing person, but not to me, not for the last months." She stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath and trying to go for a smile. "Truth is he doesn't love me anymore. And as bad as it is, I don't love him anymore." She confessed as big tears started falling off her eyes.  
Jim was on his feet in a flash and soon he was gently taking her arms.  
"Uhura, I'm so sorry for this, I swear."  
"But you love him, Jim, I know you do." She murmured while trying to stop crying, putting her hands on his chest. "So please tell me you'll find a way to make him survive it even if I don't bond with him. Because I can't. If I was to do that it would be his salvation but my slow death in a marriage that is just wrong for the both of us."  
Jim looked at her with his heart filled with sorrow for the amazing woman that was suffering in his arms. "I'm so sorry, Uhura." He repeated softly.  
He had no idea what to say to the rest of it, it wasn't like he could deny loving Spock, and Uhura didn't expect him to.  
"I'll do what I can to save him." He promised.  
"I know you will." She nodded, taking a deep breath and drying her face with her fingers, forcing a smile. "I'll go and see if at least I can make him eat something."  
"Not plomeek soup." Jim had the sense to tell her when she was just a step from the door, shrugging at the perplexed look she gave him before going out of his room.

***

Despite Spock's request Jim decided that it wasn't really the case to reintroduce the vulcan in the duty roaster, not when he was so close to losing all rationality to the fever, and when they arrived to the planet Starfleet had asked them to check up, he chose an away team comprised of himself, Sulu and three red shirts for security reasons.  
Zanthas had been visited already from Starfleet officials a good fifty years before and since then the diplomatic work to make it part of the Federation had been on-going, the place quite pacific and commercially-oriented. The problem was that a scientific vessel had to make a stop there a few weeks before to repair something planet side, thinking the place would have been hospitable, but had instead lose consciousness as soon as they had arrived. Two members of the away team had disappeared completely and the rest of them had ran away alerting Starfleet of the problem.  
Now it was up to them to find out what had been of the two scientist and what had prompted the usually pacific indigenous people of Zanthas to attack people with no question asked.  
The Enterprise registered a strange power on the surface that didn't really fit with any scheme that was on the database, but aside from that everything seemed as usual, the same life signatures that had been registered the last time a Starfleet starship had took a survey. The only problem seemed to be near the source of the power, where the radar couldn't apparently make out what was there and what was different from before.  
Jim decided to try and beam down to a location that seemed safe, close enough to the power source to make it easy to reach and inspect it and far enough to have a way to get there without being noticed right away.  
The plan seemed to be good enough, at least until the moment they beamed down to the surface of the planet and suddenly a piercing sound hit them.  
Jim groaned, covering his ears, and tried desperately to look around and identify the source of it, but nothing seemed to be there aside from trees and bushes, nothing that could have explained the painful sound that was making their bones rattle.  
The crew members around him where already on their knees, screaming in pain, and Jim took his hand from his ear to try and open his communicator, set on sending them away.  
He shouted something, or at least tried, but when the blackness clouded his mind he fell to the ground not even sure if he had managed to let the Enterprise know they were in trouble or not.

Sulu woke up laying on the ground, his ears still ringing, and he groaned trying to sit up, surveying the clearing around them in search for enemies. But there was no one else apart of them, or at least aside from him and the three red shirts the Captain had picked to protect them.  
There was no trace of the Captain.  
Sulu opened his communicator, trying to contact his superior officer, but there were only electrostatic discharge from his part, no anwer whatsoever. He made a nod to the men that were waking up to follow him, moving away from the clearing to the near trees in search of some protection, and then he tried contacting the Enterprise.  
Uhura took the call and passed it to Scotty that was sitting on the chair at the moment.  
"Sulu here. We have been hit by some kind of energy upon arrival. They took the Captain."  
"Repeat that?" Scotty asked, clearly surprised.  
"No sign of the Captain upon awakening, I am going to lead the team to the power source and try to find him. Does his life signature appear anywhere on the planet?" He asked calmly, managing that way to slightly calm down the men with him, perfectly masking how his own heart was beating faster now that the danger was clearly upon them.  
Scotty made a quick search, able to answer him soon but in a negative way.  
Sulu pressed his lips, looking through the vegetation that covered the space between them and the place where they had detected the source of the strange power.  
"He must have been taken closer to the power source, where our equipment cannot pick it up. We are on our way."  
"Roger that, Sulu."  
Sulu closed his communicator and made a motion to the security team to follow him, moving stealthily through the greenery to find what had knocked them out and where they must have taken his commanding officer.


End file.
